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Friday, January 21, 2005

26: Perspective

A Mike Lester cartoon recently ran that pictured a housewife who was speaking to her husband who evidently just returned home from the office. She says, “The water heater burst, the basement’s flooded, the dishwasher overflowed, the dog has been “going” everywhere, the kids are tracking mud all over the house and yet…I feel like the luckiest woman on earth.” She was holding a mop and on the table next to her was a newspaper with the headlines ‘EARTHQUAKE TRIGGERS MASSIVE TSUNAMI KILLING THOUSANDS’.

This mommy’s one-of-those-days was grabbed by the reality that even on one-of-those-days we don’t necessarily have it all that bad. God has been kind to us – to all of us – in more ways than we can count.

I’m not much of a fan of hymns, but this reminds me of the old hymn that says, “Count your many blessings name them one be one; count your blessings see what God has done.” Each of us would have a different list, but God has blessed us all: some with children, some with spouses, some with riches, some with health, some with friends, some with good looks, some with wisdom, some with talents. None of us has been blessed in every realm, or maybe as much as we would desire, but we are still blessed. At a bare minimum we have been blessed with the gift of eternal life which is available for the taking by merely believing in Jesus. Even if that was all we had, that alone would be worth more than all the riches in the world.

Parenting can be hard. We all know that. But God wants us to maintain a spirit of thankfulness, not of resentment or regret. Enjoy your children and the difficulties that come with them. What fool after winning the lottery would resent all the shopping he has to do? God has blessed you immensely! Be thankful for how good you have it and remember all that God had done for you.

Psalms 127:3 Sons are a heritage from the Lord, children a reward from him. NIV

1 Thessalonians 5:18 give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus. NIV

Thursday, January 13, 2005

25: Are They Going to Turn Out? Part 4 - Worst Case Scenario

Sometimes when we see teens that are going through tough times it can be discouraging and we can wonder if all our parenting efforts in the early years are really worth it. We’ve already looked at some reasons to believe that you can have a lot of confidence in the fruit of your parenting. However, let’s take a look at it from a little bit of a different angle today. Suppose you could see into the future and you knew that when your child hit 15 he would rebel. I guess this could take a lot of different forms, but suppose you knew that your teen would do poorly in school, smoke pot, drink excessively, not come home until 4 in the morning, if at all, and would refuse to go to church altogether. My guess is we all know a teen or two that has gone through something like that—maybe a little better or maybe a little worse. I don’t expect our kids to rebel at that level, but I see it enough that it troubles me, and in my times of doubt I wonder if that could happen to us. I guess the question I have is this: If I knew that my kids would rebel at 15, what would I do differently now?

Another way to look at it is that at that level of rebelliousness you’ve lost most of your input into your kid’s life. So I might ask myself what would I want to pass on to my child to prepare him for life before I lose that place of influence.

I think I would want to make sure my child was educated enough to have a good paying job. I’d want him to be used to hard work so that he could handle the stress of the daily grind. If you can’t provide for yourself in life, it can be hard to dig yourself out of a hole. I’d also want him to know some other basic life skills like financial management.

I’d want him to know the dangers of premarital sex, drugs, and the abuse of alcohol.

If he knew at least 100 verses by heart it would encourage me to know that God’s Word was continually available to guide and direct my child, and to work away at his conscience. (Actually I’d say 500, but I don’t want to freak you out.) I’d also hope he would have a wealth of past sermons, Sunday school lessons, and teachings from his parents that the Holy Spirit could bring to his mind at the appropriate time.

I’d want him to know the principle that a man reaps what he sows, and that if you sow the wind you reap the whirlwind. I’d want him to know that real life and true happiness are found when we pursue God’s will. If you sow good choices, you reap a good life.

It would be extremely important to me that he knew he was loved by his God, parents, and family. Although he could run from many things, I’d want that to always haunt him (in a sense) and continually be a pull on his heart. I’d want him to know that like the prodigal son, forgiveness and restoration are always close at hand.

These are a few of the things that come to my mind. I’d want to do everything within my power to equip my child for his time of rebelliousness, in hopes that it would be short lived and not too destructive. That would take a lot of energy and time, but in the end hopefully it would all be worthwhile to save my child.

Interestingly enough, when you think about it, that level of parenting is the pretty much the same level I’d recommend to someone who wants to raise a soldier for Christ. Even if I knew I was going to ‘lose’ my teenager, I think I’d still parent the same in the younger years. So maybe all this fear related to losing our children is just a distraction from the task at hand. I don’t know the future. I don’t know how my kids or your kids will turn out. I haves certain hopes and expectations for the future, but those may be somewhat irrelevant. I do know for certain what God has called me to today, and I need to be faithful with that instead of frozen in the fear of the unknown.

Tuesday, January 11, 2005

24: Are They Going to Turn Out? Part 3 - You Can Win

What would you think if God didn’t allow someone to be a pastor because he was ugly, or disfigured, or because he had a brother who didn’t follow the Lord. It would seem wrong to disallow someone from pastoring because of something that he had no control over, had nothing to do with his job, and had nothing to do with the set roles that God had given him.

So, you may be asking yourself, what does this have to do with parenting? My response is, “Everything!” Look at the following verses:

1 Timothy 3:4-5 [An elder] must manage his own family well and see that his children obey him with proper respect. 5(If anyone does not know how to manage his own family, how can he take care of God's church?) NIV

1 Timothy 3:12 A deacon must be the husband of but one wife and must manage his children and his household well. NIV

Titus 1:6 An elder must be blameless, the husband of but one wife, a man whose children believe and are not open to the charge of being wild and disobedient. NIV

I personally think these are the strongest verses in the Bible that definitively show that you can win with your kids. I just can’t see any possible way to explain them away.

1 Timothy 3 and Titus 1 lay out the requirements for church leaders, and one of the requirements is that they have good kids—kids who are believers, who are not wild and disobedient, who are manageable, and who respect their fathers. Now if a father has a fair amount of control of these things in his kids’ lives, then this requirement is fair. However, if fathers really have little or no control over how their kids turn out, then this requirement for church leadership is as random as if God required His leaders to be members of the Arian race, or if God judged them based on the behavior of their extended family. Do you see the connection now? God would not require that leaders have good kids if having good kids was merely a product of dumb luck! Having good kids is a result of following God’s principles in your own life, and in your parenting practices!

CLEARLY, God believes that parents are equipped for, responsible for, and capable of producing good kids—kids who are believers, who are not wild and disobedient, who are manageable, and who respect their parents.

Parent, you MUST be convinced of this. You MUST take ownership for how your children turn out, and you MUST have faith that with God, all things are possible.

Everyone else may think that your job as a parent is just to educate, provide for, and protect your kids until they are on their own. Everyone else may think that you just have to cross your fingers and hope they turn out okay, but you are not everyone else. You must lock into the responsibility that God has given you. He clearly thinks you can change the outcome of your kids’ lives. You need to believe the same!

Wednesday, January 05, 2005

23: Are They Going to Turn Out? Part 2 - What Guarantees Do You Have?

Let’s go back to a question that we looked at earlier. Why in the world would any parent pour his or her heart, soul, energy, and life into parenting? Of course, the answer (or maybe one answer) is that we can greatly influence them, and that through them we can greatly influence the world. However, the question still remains. Can we be guaranteed of success?

The verse commonly used to encourage parents and to give them hope is the following:

Proverbs 22:6 Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it. NIV

This verse quite clearly says that if you set children down a certain course, they will continue to follow down that course. Yet, most of us have seen families that appear to be exceptions to this verse, and as a result, our faith in its reliability can be challenged. I think the following excerpt may help lay a foundation for further discussion. It is an excerpt from James Dobson and is taken from the Focus on the Family Bulletin – March 2002


Q. You have said that the children of godly parents sometimes go into severe
rebellion and never return to the faith they were taught. I have seen that
happen to some wonderful families who loved the Lord and were committed to the
church. Still, it appears contradictory to Scripture, which says, “Train a child
in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it” (Proverbs
22:6). Doesn’t this verse promise that all wayward offspring will eventually
return to the fold?

A. I wish Solomon’s message to us could be interpreted that definitively. I know that the common understanding of the passage is to accept it as a divine guarantee, but it was not expressed in that context. Psychiatrist John White, writ­ing in his book Parents in Pain, makes the case that the proverbs were never intended to be absolute promises from God. Instead, they are proba­bilities of things that are likely
to occur. Solomon, who wrote Proverbs, conveyed his divine­ly inspired observations on the way human nature and God’s universe work. A given set of circumstances can be expected to produce a set of specific consequences.

Unfortunately, several of these observations, including Proverbs 22:6, have been lift­ed out of that context and made to stand alone as promis­es from God. If we insist on that interpretation, then we must explain why so many other proverbs do not
inevita­bly prove accurate.
For example,
Proverbs 10:4: “Lazy hands make a man poor, but diligent hands bring wealth.”
Have you ever met a diligent—but poor—Christian? I have.
“The fear of the Lord adds length to life, but the years of the wicked are cut short” (10:27). I’ve seen some beau­tiful children die with a Chris­tian testimony on their lips.
“No harm befalls the righteous, but the wicked have their fill of trouble” (12:21).
We can all think of excep­tions to the statements above.

Parents who believe that Proverbs 22:6 offers a guaran­tee of salvation for the next generation must remember that even as Adam and Eve were given the choice be­tween good and evil, God also gives that same freedom to each individual.


I think Dobson’s statements are quite profound, and perhaps a touch controversial. But is he right? Let’s look at the verse again.

“Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it.”

If this verse does not at first seem to ring true to us, what do we do with it?

We can:
1) Redefine it. Maybe we need to redefine some of the terms. Perhaps “He will not turn from it” doesn’t mean that he will follow it, but just that he will not reject it. Or maybe “train” incorporates the idea that they have not just been taught, but have accepted and followed the teaching—in which case following the teaching and being trained go hand-in-hand. I’m sure there are other words or phrases we could redefine as well. The problem with this approach is that if you play with the words too much, the verse gets so watered down that they lose meaning. If there is no real hope offered by the verse, or no instruction, then why was it put in the Bible?
2) Restrict it. Perhaps very few parents succeed in training a child in the way he should go. Maybe we need to restrict our application of the verse to only applying to the parents who have REALLY excelled with their children. It is possible that what we perceive as successful parenting is not really enough and that the parents who have “failed” never really fulfilled their obligation to train their children properly. The problem with this approach is that even if we raise the bar on what it means to train a child in the way he should go, it still seems like there are exceptions. If we raise the bar even higher than that, the hope being offered seems unattainable. It would be like saying, “If you do a perfect job raising your child, and never falter, your child will follow all that you taught him.” Do you see how that waters down the verse, just like redefining all the terms does? If you raise the standard to something that is unattainable, then what hope is there? Why try to meet the standard? And why even put the verse in the Bible?
3) Rethink it. Perhaps it’s not a promise at all, but a principle. Perhaps it’s a guiding truth of life but not an outright guarantee. This seems to be the approach the Dobson is taking in the above quote. The problem with this approach is that the success rate of parents doesn’t seem to even support the idea of it being a guiding truth. In other words, it not only doesn’t seem like an “absolute promise” but it doesn’t even seem like a truth that generally reflects life very well.

So which is it? I personally think it is number 2 mixed in with a little number 3. I don’t think it is an absolute guarantee that your child will follow you in every single area in which they’ve been taught. That would seem to go against the teaching of freewill. However, Proverbs 22:6 was put in the Bible to give you hope—to inspire you to a certain course in your parenting. And I believe that even if it is only a guiding principle, then it is one that is worth following. Good parenting produces good results. That should be true in every case, or at least in almost all of the cases. I think that is the spirit of Proverbs 22:6, and if the hope we take from that verse gets any more watered down than that I think we should seriously question whether we truly believe God’s Word or not.

I also believe that most parents do not do a nearly adequate job in raising their children. Many take a whack at it, but very few hit the nail on the head—and if you don’t hit a nail on the head the nail doesn’t usually fair very well, does it? It is not enough to go to church, set a curfew, keep your kids out of R rated movies, and keep them off drugs. Training a child in the way he should go involves a much deeper level of involvement than most parents pursue.

I believe as parents we can hold a very high level of confidence in the outcome of our kids. Even if we don’t have an absolute 100%-money-back-guarantee, we still have a principle given to us by God for the very purpose of giving us such a hope and expectation. Parent in a way that teaches your kids how to follow God wholeheartedly, and expect that to bear good and lasting fruit in the lives of your kids.

Remember that everything that does not come from faith is sin (Romans 14:23). God wants us to trust him with this. Too many parents live in fear instead of faith. They fear that God’s Word won’t prove true, or that they will be the exception, rather than living in faith that if they trust in His Word and follow it that it will lead them down a good path. Have faith that God’s way will win!


Saturday, January 01, 2005

22: Are They Going to Turn Out? Part 1 - Appearances and Free-Will

I think a myth exists in Christian circles that when it really comes down to it, you can’t truly have much of an impact on the outcome of your children. People think that you can raise them right, invest eighteen years of your life into them, but when they hit their upper teen years, anything can (and will) happen.

This is a fundamental issue to address in parenting, because if it is true, than why in the world would any parent pour his or her heart, soul, energy, and life into parenting? Seeing the light at the end of the tunnel is a key motivator for most of us. Why would an athlete train if he didn’t have hope of improving? Why would a student study if she had no hope of learning, graduating, or applying the material? We need to know that our efforts will pay off at some point. If there is no guarantee in how our kids will turn out, then there is little motivation to really parent wholeheartedly.

So, what’s the truth? Well, we need to start by realizing that any good lie has a lot of truth mixed in with it. Blatant lies are much more easily spotted than ones laced with truth, and like any good lie, this one has a lot of truth to it. So, before addressing why we can have confidence in the outcome of our children, let’s address why we doubt that truth.

First of all, let’s talk about appearances. I’ve seen many good parents who have had kids that didn’t turn out well. I’ve also seen some kids with pretty admirable character who came out of some pretty messed up families. From outward appearances it would be pretty easy to deduce that parents can’t control the outcome of their kids very well.

The second strong argument for the case that you can’t dictate the outcome of your children’s lives is the issue of freewill. The concept of freewill is simply this: God has created each of us with the ability to choose. I am not bound to make any choice based upon anyone else’s will—not God’s, not the government’s, and not my parents. The choice is mine. Of course, God, the government, and my parents may dictate certain consequences for certain actions to help me make wise choices, but that is another topic. The point is that your children have choices. They will have to choose whether or not to have premarital sex, to do drugs, to become Christians, and countless other choices. You cannot make those choices for your kids. Some people will put it this way, “Adam messed up didn’t he? And who was his parent? You don’t think you can parent better than God do you?”

Let’s address these two arguments, and then we’ll look at some reasons to believe that YOU CAN HAVE A PROFOUND IMPACT ON THE OUTCOME OF YOUR KIDS.

So what about appearances? Is it true that we can’t guarantee the outcome of our children, and that the lives of hundreds of other families prove that point? I’d say that is a very important question to consider, but I’d also say that appearances are very deceiving. Over the past few decades family values have eroded away in both Christian and non Christian homes. Perhaps what we think of as a good home is only good in comparison to other homes. It is possible that many “good homes” are really not that good at all. It may be that the standards in the average Christian home are so far off, that they’re really not worth looking to for what works and what doesn’t. That is my opinion. I think the average Christian parents try hard, and fail miserably. I’m not saying every parent who goes through tough times, or who has had a child turn from God has failed miserably. I don’t believe that. But I think very few parents really nail it with parenting. The put in lots of time, energy, and effort, but they don’t nail it. Is that proud to say that we can succeed where others have failed? I think it is if we are basing our confidence on our own efforts and programs it is, but if the belief in the future success of our children is based on what God says, then that is not proud at all! That is faith.

Let me put it this way. I’m not very good at losing weight. Most people I know are not very good at losing weight. Some people I know eat very little and are still overweight. Some people I know eat a lot and never gain any weight. However, it would be wrong to issue a blanket statement that we really have no control over the outcome of our weight. We all know, when it comes right down to it, that the issue of weight loss is simply a matter of exercise and diet. Some people are an exception to the rule, like those with health issues, but for most of us, exercise and diet, is the key to weight loss. In the same way, in parenting you should not fear (or take comfort in) the failures of others. Just because lots of parents are failing does not mean that we should issue a blanket statement that says, “Parenting does not work. You cannot control how your kids turn out.” On the contrary, just like in dieting, there are principles that will bring great success for the vast majority of the parents who apply them. Could there be exceptions? Sure, there may be exceptions to the rule, but the rule should be that good parents using good parenting principles will result in good kids who become good adults. I’m every bit as confident of that as the fact that if I diet and exercise, I WILL lose weight.

What about the issue of free will? How can I have any confidence in how my kids turn out when I know that they have freewill? This is an excellent point, and I think this is why there could be exceptions to the rule that good parents using good parenting principles will result in good kids who become good adults. Your kids will always have freewill, however, you have an incredible amount of influence on their will. We expect teachers to impact students, officers to change soldiers, and coaches to influence athletes. Why wouldn’t we expect parents to impact their kids? Students, soldiers, and athletes all have freewill, and yet they are greatly influenced by those over them. Jesus said, “A student is not above his teacher, but everyone who is fully trained WILL be like his teacher.” (Luke 6:40) Why wouldn’t we expect the same thing from a parent who spends 18 years TRAINING his or her children?

One might ask, “What about Judas? Wasn’t he trained by Jesus? Didn’t his freewill win out?” That’s a good point to which I have three responses. First of all, if Christians today “lost” only one out of every twelve of their children I’d be a whole lot more encouraged with the situation than I am now. Secondly, it seems as if Judas may have been chosen as a disciple not to be a disciple, but for the very purpose of betraying Jesus and fulfilling scripture (John 17:12). Thirdly, I don’t think anyone would argue that Judas was “fully trained” as referred to in the verse when it says, “Everyone who is fully trained WILL be like his teacher.” Had Judas been Jesus’ son (sounds like a great Star Wars plot) I most certainly would not have expected that kind of outcome from his life.

You must realize that if you do a good job raising your kids they will be much more likely to be model citizens than if you don’t. Your kids should be far more likely to be following God than to become atheists. They should be far more likely to be doctors, missionaries, and judges than to turn out to be frauds, serial killers, or terrorists. Why? Because of your example, your training, and your influence. Yes they have freewill. But you can greatly influence that will, just as your parents, teachers, and Sunday school teachers have greatly influenced you and your will – for the better or for the worse.

Nelsons' Christmas Letter - 2004

Hello everyone,

We hope all is going well with you and your family. We’ve enjoyed seeing and hearing from many of you, and we wish we were better about keeping up with everyone.

The biggest and saddest news of the year is that Kathleen’s mom, Barb (or Bonnie) passed away at the young age of 62. She fell quite ill for several weeks before she realized she had cancer. After a brief stay in the hospital she went to be with the Lord on November 14th. Although we greatly miss her, we know that in 1964 she put her faith in Christ at a Billy Graham Crusade in Omaha, NE. So it is an incredible relief to know we’ll see her again. She lived a life of love and service, and the world would be a far better place if more people were like her.

We also lost Kathleen’s aunt June about a month before that. We’re often reminded of the verse that says that if only for this life we have hope we are to be pitied more than all men.

The kids are all doing well. Jireh (13 mo) is still thinking about walking. He’ll take two or three steps and then chicken out. He might be our “climber” out of the whole bunch. Guess what he climbs up to? The piano! Do we have a talented musician in the making or just a sixth kid that is demanding a little attention? It’s a fine line, huh?

Malia (3) is a really funny kid. Her hair is curly and goofy, and her personality is pretty much the same. She walks around with two fingers in her mouth and her stuffed llama shoved right up under her nose. (It’s actually a horse, but it is more fun to call it a “Dolly Llama” although it is becoming better known as “Stinky”.)

Keziah (5) is still very snuggily. She started some pre-kindergarten work this year and enjoys learning. A couple of days ago she asked Kathleen, “How do you spell, ‘I love you Bob?’” After spelling it out Kathleen asked why she was writing that. She said it was for grandpa (who she met this year), and Kath informed her that his name is Larry. I guess if you’re a connoisseur of Veggie Tales, Bob and Larry are pretty easy names to mess up!

Silas (7) is still as bouncy as Tigger and is a total joy to be around. Although he has not gotten chubby yet, he still has a strange obsession with food. It was Kez’s birthday a couple of days ago and Silas was sitting in the living room, and looking very withdrawn and contemplative. Steve asked him what he was thinking about and he looked up and just said, “Cake.” I guess the concerns of a second grader don’t reach real deep.

Hope (9) is a sweetheart and is in third grade. She has really become mom’s helper, and is becoming a great babysitter. Hope is also learning how to cook, and can even bake a cake by herself (which I suppose pretty much makes her a super hero to Silas). She has definitely taken her position as the oldest daughter. Mom and she went to their first fancy “ladies only” party, an elegant Christmas tea at our church. Both of them loved the special time together.

Blaise (11) is really growing up. He can actually carry dad on his back for a few feet although it might still be a while before he can out wrestle him. He’s in the fifth grade and is an avid reader. Blaise has also been serving in church by helping run the Power Point. That’s a job that is much harder than it looks, and it can lead to some quite stressful situations…but he’s hanging in there.

Both Hope and Blaise enjoy getting up in the mornings and spending some time reading the Bible with Dad and some friends from church. The oldest four are also working on memorizing verses for a program at church, and they have a lot of fun doing that.

Kathleen has been busy home schooling the oldest three (or so), and trying to stay on top of the others. It’s a challenging task, but she does a great job. She has also enjoyed teaching a class on motherhood. She has consistently taught her class for the entire year now (twice per month) and has been able to both teach and learn a lot. Motherhood is a consuming and rewarding undertaking that is very life consuming, but she wouldn’t miss it for the world.

Steve has pastored at Summitview for nine years now and cherishes the opportunity to work with people. He is still studying Spanish and hopes to minister in that realm some day. As an offshoot of Kath’s Motherhood Class he also started sending out some weekly parenting e-mails to encourage parents. If you’d like to be on his mailing list you can e-mail him. You can also read the past articles at http://premeditatedparenting.blogspot.com/.

We’ve been married for 14 years now and someone recently commented that we’ve had it pretty hard. It is true that we’ve gone through three miscarriages, the loss of a baby during delivery, the early passing of two of our parents, and we’ve received numerous other bumps and bruises along the way. Of course, in another light, we’ve been really blessed. We have a wonderful marriage and have enjoyed the privilege of raising six of God’s little ones. Ultimately, our joy comes not from our circumstances, whether good or bad, but from knowing the Lord. Life will probably throw a few more curve balls our way, but one thing is certain. God loves us enough to send Jesus to live among us and die for us. There’s nothing more important than that, is there?

We hope you all have a great Christmas season and we look forward to the next time we hear from you.


Love,

The Nelsons <><

But God demonstrates his own love for us in this:
While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.

Nelsons' picture - Christmas 2004

Christmas 2004 Posted by Hello