13: Will Discipline Cause Rebellion?

Question: I have heard Dobson's book on strong-willed children discourages heavy discipline for these temperaments because it will make them rebel more. Have you read this book?
Response: I just finished reading "The New Strong Willed Child" by James Dobson. I sure didn’t catch any statements like that, but I could have missed something. He did question the use of corporal punishment with kids diagnosed with ADHD, but for strong-willed children he seemed far more disciplinarian than I expected. In fact, my impression from one of his comments (pg. 211) was that he was trying to stress discipline more in the new edition than he did in the original.
He said several comments like "It is appropriate, from my perspective, to spank a child under certain well-defined circumstances" (pg. 49), "It is extremely important for the parents to ‘win’" (pg.50), and "I believe a mild and appropriate spanking is the discipline of choice for a hot-tempered child between twenty months and ten years of age" (pg. 58). He also has a chapter called "Corporal Punishment and the Strong Willed Child."
He didn’t emphasize discipline as much as I would, and he certainly recommended starting later than I would, but overall the book was much better than I anticipated.
Anyway, it is hard to know what you mean by "heavy discipline." I think most people who believe in spanking seem to recommend it for blatant disobedience. If you do not discipline for blatant disobedience, rebellion is sure to flourish. If you inconsistently discipline for disobedience, rebellion is sure to flourish. If you consistently discipline for disobedience, your child will learn that disobedience does not pay, and instead brings unpleasant circumstances. If you are consistent, firm, and loving, this type of discipline will greatly reduce rebellious behavior.
If a parent is not in the habit of setting standards and disciplining his child when those standards are broken, then sure, I’d expect a major flare-up of rebellion. When a cowboy tries to break a wild horse, my movie watching experience tells me that that horse is not going to like it. The horse is going to go absolutely berserk for a time, until it realizes that it is not going to win. Then it eventually calms down and behaves. I’d expect the same thing from a child who is being trained for the first time, or trained consistently for the first time.
Don’t waiver on this. If your child wants to challenge your authority, rise to the challenge. It’s time to go to battle. That is the loving and right thing to do. God has put you in charge, and expects that you can and will win. Don’t fear that engaging your child’s rebellion will somehow make him worse. I’d be much more afraid that your child’s rebellion will destroy him unless it is confronted, and I’d be quick to confront it and deal with it.
Dobson put it this way, "In a moment of rebellion, a little child will consider his parents’ wishes and defiantly choose to disobey. Like a military general before a battle, he will calculate the potential risk, marshal his forces, and attack the enemy with guns blazing. When that nose-to-nose confrontation occurs between generations, it is extremely important for the adult to display confidence and decisiveness. The child has made it clear that he’s looking for a fight, and his parents would be wise not to disappoint him! Nothing is more destructive to parental leadership than for a mother or father to equivocate [or waffle] during that struggle." (pg. 52)
Don’t get me wrong, our family has a very loving atmosphere. We hangout, hug, tease, and horseplay all the time. However, we also establish our God-given parental authority when they are young and we don’t let up much as they get older. I’ll look my 11-year-old in the eye and say, "Do you want to go to battle? If you want to go to battle I’m up for that, and I’ll win, but it’d be much better for you to just yield, here and now." Sometimes he yields, and sometimes we go to battle, but in the end, the rebellion is put down, our child’s heart is restored, and peace is brought back into the home.
Have faith that as you follow God you’ll find the same blessing, and squelch those fears that somehow you’re going to mess up your kid. If you follow God’s leading, you will certainly not be worse off for it!
Proverbs 29:17 Discipline your son, and he will give you peace; he will bring delight to your soul. NIV