36: Curriculum and Serious Mindedness

Question:
[In response to Premeditated Parenting 33: Our Objectives as they Relate to Homeschool]
Great thoughts, thanks a TON for taking time to put them down "on paper". I think praying through your convictions, and either asking God to make them mine or give me some of my own directly, will be extremely beneficial.

A follow-up question I have relates to curriculum. There is such a variety out there, and it can be so confusing to try and weed through what may be the best, do you have any recommendations so we can avoid any pitfalls y'all have fallen into?

Response:
We decided early on to pick a curriculum and go with it. One of our goals was to just keep it as simple as possible by going with one curriculum. We didn’t want to spend a bunch of time at the curriculum fairs or spend too much energy always reevaluating exactly which curriculum was the absolutely positively very best for each child. Most are well thought through and should provide a good and balanced education for most children.

Your faithfulness as a teacher will certainly impact your children more than which curriculum you use. That in mind, here are a few suggestions related to faithfulness in homeschooling.
1) When home schooling in Colorado, you commit to homeschooling for four hours a day, for 172 days. We suggest you keep your word in this.
2) We do not allow any fudge time in our four hours. In other words, we don’t count washing dishes, and mowing as “life experience time”, and we don’t count a trip to the museum or the zoo as a science fieldtrip. Usually before third grade our kids finish their school work in a couple of hours. We try to fill up the rest of their time by reading to them, educational computer time, or educational or spiritual videos.
3) From Kindergarten on, we have our kids work all the way through their books. Just because the time is up doesn’t mean the job is done. Finishing their books also gives the kids a sense of achievement and accomplishment.
4) We usually have the kids go back and correct questions they missed so that they can learn from their mistakes. This takes much more management because it can involve correcting the same paper two or three times, but we feel it is worth the effort.
5) If a child tries hard and performs poorly on a test, we are okay with that. Usually the case is that a child performs poorly because he or she did not study. In that case, he or she restudies, and retakes the test.

As with any type of school (home, public or private), we want our kids to learn the material, and we also want them to learn to work hard, be diligent, and be self-controlled. If you take a serious-minded approach to school you can achieve the goals you want with almost any curriculum. We feel that most parents do not take education and the training tool that it provides seriously enough. This is a grave error.

Anyway, back to your question. We simply asked around a little to get a feel for what was commonly used by people that we respected. You may want to do the same.

We ended up choosing A Beka. Sonlight is another popular choice, as are Bob Jones and Alpha Omega Publications. The virtual academies are also becoming more popular since they are online, cheaper (or free), and provide teacher support. Saxon math also seems to be a common substitution that people use instead of the standard math provided with the curriculum. I’m sure there are many more good choices, but that should give you a start.

United in Him,

Steve <><


P.S. – Kath’s quick comment: Just tell them to not have some “castle in the sky” idea of homeschooling. Yes, the benefits can far outweigh the costs, but if done correctly and thoroughly, it sure comes at some cost too. It is not for the weak-hearted! It takes tough discipline and character on the part of the child, and even more so on the part of the mommy!!

35: Should You Pay for Chores?

Question: A parenting group I’m in just finished with Chapter 7 of Shepherding a Child’s Heart by Tedd Tripp, which is titled "Discarding Unbiblical Methods." I'm not exactly sure how we got on the topic, but chores and earning money for chores came up. I think we were talking about bribery and rewarding good behavior, and not getting stuck in the rut as the "name in the jar" example (page 64) and we were sharing examples of things and this topic came up.

One mommy has three jars: one for spending, one for giving, and one for saving. Her daughter is only three, but she has specific chores that she is to do each week and then they give her money for each jar so she can learn the responsibility and the importance of giving and saving, etc.

Another mommy gives money if there is something in particular that her 6-year-old wants but needs to earn. Her example was a stuffed animal at the grocery store that the little girl wanted and mommy said no, but maybe she could earn it. So she was given specific chores to do to earn the stuffed animal.

Someone also questioned whether it's beneficial to use a chore chart to hang on the frig so the child can see what their regular chores are. Then we questioned whether they should get paid for those chores or not.

My personal input was that there are certain chores that are to be done in our home that will not ever be paid for as they need to help contribute to the running of our home. I actually liked the idea from the mommy that gave extra chores to "earn" something the child wanted. And I also really liked the idea of the three jars for them to learn the value of money, but I am also very concerned that our children will fall into that mode of being self-serving, and they won't do the "extra" chores unless it benefits them.

So ultimately, we are not sure what the right approach is to this situation and would gladly welcome your input.

By the way, the oldest of our children in this group is six.


Response:

I’m not sure what the ‘right’ approach to the situation is, as I don’t see this as a right and wrong issue. However, I can tell you what we do.

Our kids do lots of chores—lots and lots of chores. Even a six-year-old can help with laundry, do dishes, sweep, pick-up, and contribute in many ways. In our family there is much to do of each of those chores, and practically speaking, we cannot afford to hire our kids to help in these ways. Not only that, but tracking and managing who did what for what sounds like a nightmare. So in our house chores are just part of being in our family. If a six-year-old wants a dollar she needs to lose a tooth and hope the tooth fairy remembers to put a little something under the pillow. (She seems to be getting forgetful in her old age.)

At such young ages we are not concerned at all about teaching our kids the value of money. We give them what they need and grandmas give them what they want, and there just doesn’t seem to be much use for money for our young ones.

As our kids get to be eight or nine, they might earn a few bucks here and there by doing something above and beyond the call of duty, but we never give them anything for chores.

So that’s the practice of our family. Much of that is driven by practicality in our home, but here are some biblical guidelines you may want to consider.

Rewards are okay. God uses rewards all the time to motivate us. Consider the following verse as just one clear example.

Matthew 6:19-20 "Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. (NIV)

I think God uses rewards with us because they work so well as motivators. However, we do need to be careful about over-using rewards. On the page you referred to, Tedd Tripp (I wonder if his middle name is Tomm) gave the example of a family that over-used rewards. Then he asked how it worked, and answered his own question saying, “Great. It was an effective tool for teaching the children. It taught them to be selfish. It taught them to do things for improper motives. It taught them how to earn parental approbation and therefore, a name in the jar…” Obviously, that is not the impact we want from using rewards.

We also need to consider that children need to obey their parents (Colossians 3:20). I do not want to wheel and deal with my kids whenever I ask them to do something. I just want them to obey. I never want to hear, “How much will you give me for it?” I just want them to obey. I don’t want to have to bribe them; I just want them to obey. Simply put, that is what God has called them to do.

Ultimately the question is not whether or not I should give a quarter here or a quarter there, but the question is whether a child is motivated to do right, or if a child is motivated just to get a Smartie (one of our rewards of choice). There are many times in life that our deeds will go unnoticed and unrewarded. A child who only performs for a reward is not going to be very well positioned for real life, but a child who chooses right because it is right is in a good place.

I think you could take it a step further and say that we choose right when we look to God as an ever present observer and rewarder. He will reward our faith (Hebrews 11:6) and our labors (1 Corinthians 3:8). He will reward us for whatever good we do (Ephesians 6:8), and even for the good things we do that no one else sees (Matthew 6:1-8). We are extremely motivated by rewards, and one could even question if there is anything at all that we do that is not somehow associated with a belief that we will be rewarded in some way for it. It is not wrong for our kids to be motivated by rewards; it is wrong if that is their only motivation, and it is wrong if they do not look to God as the ultimate rewarder.

So in short, make sure you develop a spirit of helpfulness and obedience in your child. It’s perfectly fine to bless your child here and there with a reward, but don’t over do it. Make sure she does chores because that is the right thing for her to do, and not just because she is looking for some sort of earthly payback.

******

A little parenting tip (for no extra charge): When you can’t find your car keys, glasses, or check book, just gather the kids and say, “The first one to find my car keys gets a quarter.” It works like a charm every time, and as a way of earning a little spending money it’s much less painful than losing a tooth.

34: What to Do When Discipline Is Not Working

Question: I have a question regarding our daughter who is three and a half. Janie had colic when she was little and cried a lot for the first few months. Since then she has always been really tough. She has fits we can’t snap her out of every few times. She seems to get in this state of numbness while screaming. It’s really strange. We were at a cabin recently and she had a 40 minute discipline session each day. But she made herself so beside herself that it was again drawn out. Not just a normal fit, it’s almost like she loses control of herself and is incapable of hearing us, or feeling anything. We eventually get her to stop but it seems ridiculous to be going through this now, and it’s making us miserable, always has.

We have a younger child, Cynthia, who is much easier. We discipline pretty much like you do, for each offense, and stay consistent. Cynthia will only take one spank to give us her heart again. Janie, was not like this back when she was Cynthia’s age. She has always been loud and strong against us. We were hoping it would be over by now (at least the spank drama’s).

We have begun to show her Bible verses and she does pray for example; that she would stop having fits and obey. So Janie knows what she needs to do. This does not occur each discipline time, otherwise I would have thought it was manipulation. She never wins as far as we know. We have also tried to continuously spank her until she stops, but that could get up to lots of spanks in a row.

Do you have any ideas?

-------------------------

Response:
First of all, take heart! Don’t get defeated. You can win with this child. Each one is different and some have a whole lot more spunk and willpower than others. Parenting can get really hard at times, but you will win if you stick in there.

Make sure you also get input from your small group leader or someone who is closer to the situation. Ask them for open and frank input on all areas that relate to your parenting. Oftentimes it is easier for an outsider to see our issues than it is for us to see them ourselves.

I don’t know enough of your daily life to give real specific counsel, be here are some bases I’d want to make sure you’re getting covered.


More love and relationship

Make sure you (both parents) are connected with your girl. Are you in the home enough? Is she with sitters or in daycare a lot? I’d cut out as much of that as you can. She needs YOU.

Some kids like lots and lots of attention, and for some of them, negative attention seems better to them than minimal attention. Some kids will go through spankings just to get to the kiss and make-up part at the end. Make sure that throughout the day you are touching her, saying ‘I love you’, and making eye contact with her when you talk to her.


More discipline

Kids will act up if they think they can win. Some kids will give up the battle of the wills if they have a ten percent chance of getting caught and/or disciplined. Although it’s always best to be consistent, a little inconsistency with these kids might not be a real big deal.

However, all kids are different. Some kids feel victorious with far less. If they can win one battle out of twenty, then they consider that a victory. They will battle every time in hopes of winning just once. Losing nineteen battles is no big deal as long as they can win the twentieth.

In your situation it would be very easy to get fearful of getting into discipline situations. For some parents this can lead to weaker parenting: they make excuses for their children’s misbehavior, they accept less than complete obedience, and they shy away from giving any instruction that they think will be disobeyed. Here’s an example:

“Gimme that toy. Give it right now… Hurry up... Okay, you want to put it on the chair? That’s fine. But don’t touch it again... I said don’t touch it again... Okay if you want to touch it that’s fine, but you better not pick it up… Put that back down. If you don’t put it down I’m going to tell your father...”

The child in that situation just won about five battles. She didn’t obey quickly. She put the toy in a place different than she was told to. She touched it again. She picked it up again. She didn’t put it down again quickly.

I’d take the battle back to the first offense and discipline after she put the toy in the wrong place. Take away her victories. If she has no hope of winning such battles, there won’t be much point in engaging with you at that level.


I would also caution against getting fearful that something is terribly wrong with her. If you lose confidence in that, you will not be as strong as you need to be. I could be wrong, but I sense that you may think something is wrong with your little girl. I wouldn’t worry about that too much. I’d bet you a quarter that what is wrong with her is that her flesh is raging and that she is throwing a royal hissy fit. Nothing personal, I’m just saying kids can be rebellious, and she is not different. If she can obey sometimes, she can obey all the time, or at least become a generally obedient child. Could she be more prone to acting up at times? Sure. I’m definitely grouchier when I’m tired, but I need to control that regardless of my vulnerability to it. I suppose it is possible that there are aspects of her disposition, psychological makeup, or physical health that make her more prone to rebellion, but that doesn’t make it okay to be rebellious. She may be more sensitive to how much you are home, or things that are said to her, or to what she eats for breakfast. Sure, there could be contributing factors to when she struggles, but like all of us, she needs to learn to use self-control even when she is tired, sick, irritable, ticked off, or whatever.


More instruction
Give her lots of structure. Kids thrive with structure. Have her always operating under your direction. Practice ‘blanket time’ with her. Set her on a blanket for 30 minutes with 3 or 4 toys. Have her play quietly without getting off. Stay close to keep an eye on her. If she fusses or gets off, discipline her for disobeying you. This will help her learn to obey your instructions and to stay within boundaries that you set for her.

If she was really going berserko for a while and I felt the amount of discipline was getting to a troubling level, I might try to slow down the process a little by giving her a lot more instruction. After disciplining her you might try holding her for a while and letting her calm down a little. Then, after she has regained her composure you could give her another opportunity to yield. For instance I might discipline her, and then just hold her in my lap for a minute or two saying, “Shhhhh.” Then, after she calms down a touch I’d explain it real clearly, “Honey, you don’t want another spanking do you? Good. I don’t want to give you another one. But if you do not obey, I will, because that is best for you. I want to help you learn to obey. I want you to say “sorry”. Good! Now I’m going to ask you to obey again, and if you do not obey, I’ll have to spank again. And you don’t want that right? Okay, now, I want you to go and get the toy and give it to me. You must give it to me. You may not set it on the floor. You may not throw it. You may not give it to someone else. You must get the toy and give it to me. Do you understand? Good, now please go and get the toy and hand it to me…”

She is three and a half. She can obey, but she is still young. Give her lots of instruction. Make it good and clear that you love her, and that you will work with her through this issue, but that you will win. You don’t want to lose the battle, but you can certainly slow it down a little and give her some time to think through things and make good choices.

Hopefully something in here can help. I’d really give 100% attention to these areas for the next few weeks and see if you notice any change. You should not have lots and lots of long drawn out battles. If your consistent love, discipline, and instruction is not curbing her behavior then I’d encourage you to keep reevaluating the situation and continuing to get input. Keep praying for wisdom. Ask God to reveal to you anything that you can change to help turn the situation. He wants to help you.

Let me know how it goes.

United in Him, for His kids, and His kingdom,

Steve <><