46: The Invisible Parent (The Power of Instruction)

Have you ever wished that when your children go off to school or college someday that you could go with them and coach them? Wouldn’t it be great if you could be right there with them as they go through their days, gently watching over them, giving them advice, and guiding them? I know that sounds pretty intrusive, but maybe you could turn invisible and just whisper in their ears now and then. If you could somehow remove the obnoxious part of it, wouldn’t you want the instructive part of it?

That is exactly the role that your teachings should take in your children’s lives:

Proverbs 6:20-23 My son, keep your father's commands and do not forsake your mother's teaching. 21Bind them upon your heart forever; fasten them around your neck. 22When you walk, they will guide you; when you sleep, they will watch over you; when you awake, they will speak to you. 23For these commands are a lamp, this teaching is a light, and the corrections of discipline are the way to life.

Did you catch that? If our kids lock into our teachings and hold them close to their hearts, those bits of instruction will guide them when they walk, watch over them when they sleep, and speak to them when they are awake. What we teach our kids will light their ways through life, and the times we’ve corrected them will bring them the good life.

What we instruct our kids in will have a profound impact on their lives if it is godly teaching, and if we can get them to grasp hold of it. The godly teaching part of it is pretty simple. Pass on to them everything written in Proverbs. It is a guide to godly living. It was inspired by God and written by the wisest man that has ever lived, so that should be a great start.

How do you get them to grab hold of it? Studies show that we only remember 10% of what we hear. Given that piece of information, you may want to start by teaching your kids ten times as much. Repeat simple truths that you want to ingrain in them again, and again, and again.

You reap what you sow. (Galatians 6:7)
Do to others what you would have them do to you. (Matthew 7:12)
Use only speech that builds. (Ephesians 4:29)
Work with all your heart. (Colossians 3:23)
God always sees. (Job 34:21)
If you ingrain simple truths like these into your children and you maintain a loving and corrective atmosphere in your home, these teachings will continue to ring through their ears, and guide them for their entire lives.

With that hope and promise we build into the lives of our children.

45: Shyness

Question: My 4 year old daughter, in classroom situations, clams up and tell everyone she is shy. She just started AWANA, for the second half of the year, she acted the same. I asked the teacher how she was and they say very quiet. Mindy does recite her verses, obey and play the games, but otherwise does not participate like the other kids. She just sits there and listens, but says nothing to the kids or the teachers. This is also the way it is in Sunday school. In normal every day life, she stays at home with her 2 year old sibling, and has play dates with few friends at a time. She is completely fine with them.

Is it OK to tell her she needs to be talkative and that she will get a spank if not? I certainly don’t want to traumatize her or make her something she is not.


Response: That's a great question. I'm sure many teachers wouldn't mind having more kids like yours in the classroom. There are some definite advantages to having a compliant child who is not always trying to get noticed and grab attention.

There is nothing wrong with shyness in and of itself. Some of us are more outgoing (like my wife), and some would be pretty content to live by themselves on a deserted island (like me). If the talker talks way to much, that is not good (Proverbs 10:19 When words are many , sin is not absent, but he who holds his tongue is wise.) However we can also praise, encourage, teach, and instruct with our words. So it is not good for a shy person to be quiet at the expense of not blessing others.

Talking too much needs to be overcome, as does a fear of talking to others.

In later years, if she is unwilling to overcome her shy tendencies, it may make it harder for her to feel like she fits in, and if she doesn't feel like she fits in to some extent. It may be easy for her to develop a low self-esteem. It is also important to be mindful that one of our chief purposes on the earth is to tell other people the good news of Christ. While talking to someone about spiritual matters is a fearful thing for most people, it is important to be able to overcome those fears. The fears may never go away completely, but we must be able to work through them. So your concern is well founded, although you certainly have a lot of time to help your child in this area.

I'd view this as an opportunity to coach her. I'd give specific instructions as to what you expect, and I'd give pointers as to what to say. Here are a few ideas:

Encourage your child to sit next to the new kids in Sunday school and to be their friends. Help her see that she has a role to play in touching other people's lives. This should help her take her eyes off of herself and to be more concerned about helping others.

Foster relationships with a few other kids. Have some other kids in her classes come over, maybe one at a time, to play together. She may be more comfortable with a more talkative child. I think we all want to have a friend and to feel like we belong in different social settings. Having a few close friends might make her feel safer and more comfortable talking in those group settings.

You may want to give her specific assignments with specific instruction. "I'd like you to go over and meet that little girl. I want you to ask her what her name is, how old she is, and if she has a pet." Or when someone comes to the door you can ask her to say, "Hi." At dinner you could have her ask a guest, "Can I get you something to drink," or "Can I take your plate for you." Each interaction will be a success and will help her gain some confidence.

We probably wouldn't spank unless she was in direct violation of specific instruction. For instance, if we asked one of our kids to say "Hi" to someone and she didn't, we'd probably spank for that. However, if we asked her to be more talkative in class and the teacher said she still wasn't talkative, we wouldn't spank for that.

I’d keep working with her gently. Although she may never be a chatterbox, she’ll come around. With involved and loving parents I sure wouldn’t expect your child to struggle with this her whole life.

I would definitely not allow her to verbally describe herself as shy. Shyness tends to be driven by a self-focus, and I wouldn’t want her to develop her identity around this. You might reword it for her and teach her to say, “Excuse me. I am working on learning to be more comfortable in group settings.” This rewording even sets her up to view herself in a healthy way, with a healthy future.