42: A Mother’s Prayer

My wife has a dear friend that prays almost daily for her young sons. While we all tout the importance of prayer, few are faithful at it, so both of us were impressed by her tenacity in this area. Kath asked this friend if she would share her prayer list with us, and she obliged by providing the list below. Not only does this list provide a great framework from which you can develop your own prayer list, but it also speaks of a woman who knows the target for which she’s aiming.

1. Love God - life would be given to serving Him, and that they’d be wholeheartedly sold out to Him
2. Love God’s Word—study it, memorize it, and apply it
3. Experience an intimate relationship with Him and a rich prayer life
4. Develop convictions based on and rooted in the Word
5. Keep lies and falsehoods far from them (Proverbs 30:8) and when they do come, they’d recognize them and combat them with truth
6. Rooted in their identity
7. Understand God’s love for them as much as a human can
8. They’d be men of character

a. Faithful
b. Teachable hearts
c. Men of integrity
d. Servant leaders
e. Hard workers
f. Self-controlled
g. High standards of purity – stay sexually pure until marriage
h. Patient
i. Humble
j. Joyful
k. Content
l. Wisdom
m. Fear the Lord
n. Gentleness
o. Generous
p. Selfless
q. Value counsel and seek it

9. Great Commission vision (Matthew 28:19,20)
10. Heart for others and the lost
11. Love for sibling(s)
12. We’d have their hearts as parents until they’ve married
13. They’d marry women who are wholeheartedly sold out for the gospel
14. They would not be attracted to or struggle with being attracted to a woman’s outer beauty, but be attracted to a woman’s heart
15. They’d develop an aversion to sin; when they do sin they’d be found out and my husband and I would be united in how to handle it. Wisdom and leading through my husband.
16. Obedient hearts
17. Place themselves under authority and yield to authority
18. Hearts that repent quickly
19. God’s grace would cover our mistakes as parents

John 16:24 Until now you have not asked for anything in my name . Ask and you will receive, and your joy will be complete. NIV

Here are a couple of more prayer resources from Rick Whitney's website.
- Prayer card
- How men must pray

41: Sample Standards/Chores

This was in response to Premeditated Parenting 39: Summer Schedule
Question: What do you with the younger ones (I have a three year old and I want her to not sit and watch TV!)? A friend of mine has attended one of Kathleen’s Motherhood studies. She said there is a list of different things children should be able to do at different ages. I would be very interested in seeing that, if you are able.

Response: I think the handout below is probably the one your friend was referring to. We are two years down the road now, and each kid has bumped up to the next level. Each one will be a little different. Our current 5 ½-year-old is just beginning to read, whereas our last one was an early and aggressive reader. Our current 19-month-old is being actively trained, but I wouldn’t say he’s quite as obedient as our last one. He’s got lots of spunk, and we’ve got lots of work ahead of us.

We’ve also been using a new Bible memory program, so our younger ones now know a lot more than our younger ones did 2 years ago. Our 5 ½ year old knows 40 verses, our 7 ½ and 9 ½-year-olds each know 60 verses, and our 11 ½ year old knows about 100 verses. However, by the time our current 5 ½ year old is 11 ½ she should know over 200. That’s not earth-shattering by any means. However, we like the program because we’re teaching our kids a lot more than we were two years ago, and it hasn’t been very much more effort. I’ll tell you more about that program someday as well. 

I didn’t go through and update all the kids, but I did add another age group at the end to carry the cycle a little further.

I hope you find this helpful…

- Steve
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Sample Standards/Chores

These standards are certainly not what each of our children does all the time, but they are ones that they are capable of. Our purpose in sharing these is not to set up our children as the ideal, because they are not. The purpose is just to give some frame of reference as to what you can expect from different age groups.

- Steve and Kathleen Nelson

Malia (18 months)
• Sit down in her highchair when told to
• Come when asked to
• Sit still in my lap for 10 minutes (no fussing or touching my keyboard)
• Stay on a blanket for 30 minutes without getting off (can play with toys or watch a video, but may not fuss)
• Stay in a room when told to
• Refrain from touching off limit items (plants, TV, stove, outlets, keyboard, etc…)
• Will stay in bed

(There is a huge difference between 1 ½ years and 3 ½ years due to continued training and communication abilities.)

Keziah (3 ½)
• Can do simple tasks and favors. (get me a pop, throw away a piece of trash, go get a Kleenex, etc…)
“Be mommy’s helper”
• Can help pickup toys
• Share
• Play in room quietly
• Lay down quietly even if not sleeping
• Obeys when we say “no words”
• Will work to control emotions (tries to suck it up, can cry quietly)
• Will try new foods and eat what she’s told to.
• Help bring groceries in
• Will not demand her own way and win

(There is a huge difference between 3 ½ years and 5 ½ years due to continued training, physical , and mental abilities.)

Silas (5 ½)
• Helps quite a bit around the house (helps with sweeping, dishes, pickup, etc…)
• Can fold and put away own laundry
• Can completely pick up a room nicely by himself
• Can help entertain younger children
• Can stop in the middle of a task he enjoys to do something that is asked of him (not always joyfully at first)
• Can sit quietly and read a book or do a task for 30 minutes or more
• Often reads from children’s short story Bible (claims he read the O.T!)
• Can politely answer phone (“Hello, Nelsons. Would you like to talk to my mom or dad?…One moment please.”)
• Knows major Bible stories
• Has 10-15 verses memorized

Hope (7 ½)
• Significant help around the house (sweeping, can load and unload dishes, pickup, etc…)
• Can sort out a load of laundry and load it, run it, transfer it to dryer, fold it, and put it away
• Can play with children with an outreach mindset or sit next to a new kid in Sunday school instead of next to her friends
• Diligent worker
• Reads from Children’s Bible
• Knows major Bible stories well. Knows many minor Bible stories.
• Has 15-20 verses memorized (Familiar with others)

Blaise (9 ½)
• Significant help around house—almost like having another adult. He can even motivate other kids to help at times. He can pick up a whole floor completely, sweep and mop by himself, dishes, laundry, etc... (He just started mowing the yard, but needs lots of grace )
• Will self start at times – read on own, clean up to surprise us, do homework, etc…
• Will obey without demanding to know the “whys” (trusts mom and dad’s judgment)
• Can prioritize siblings over peers
• Still disobeys at times, but wrestles to do right (Much like I do!)
• Will frequently confess his sins before he is caught
• Has own quiet times from a New Century Version Bible
• Knows major and minor Bible stories and details well (Knows all the judges, many of the kings, Ezra, Nehemiah, parables, etc…)
• Has 45 verses memorized (Familiar with many others)
• Shows spiritual concern for others, invites people to church.

Blaise (11 ½)
• Can do most chores and responsibilities that an adult can do.
• Can mow the yard.
• Does babysitting for a small group (where adults are still in the home). He also baby-sits for us for short periods of time while we run errands or take a walk around the park.
• Is doing some odd jobs like taking care of the neighbor’s house while they are on vacation.
• Serves as a Sunday school helper in church.
• Serves as a Power Point operator at church.
• Can keep track of own responsibilities and events with minimal supervision: what day to take out trash, when he is scheduled to serve at church, what night he baby-sits, etc...
• Has taken an outreach class and learned to share his faith. He has done so on a handful of occasions.
• Tries to engage his friends in spiritual conversations.
• Has consistent quiet times. (at least 4 days a week with mom and dad, some other adults, and Hope (9 ½). We all read, pray, or memorize for 40 minutes and then for the last ten minutes we share what we read.)
• Has 100 verses memorized well.
• Shows spiritual concern for others, invites people to church.
• Academic: responsible for managing his own school
• Reads and finishes a book within a designated time frame
• Has a list of 15 responsibilities (academic, spiritual, chores, relationships, etc.) that he is responsible to complete every day with no parental oversight.

40: Sleepovers

Question: I have a question that I'm sure is somewhere around the corner for us. What parameters does your family use for sleepovers? My inclination is to simply have my children host all of them, so that they are in the safety of our home. I'm just not sure how reasonable or unreasonable this is. I'm seeking your wisdom, since I know you're a few steps ahead of us. All of God's Blessings to your family.

Response: We would generally discourage sleepovers at someone else’s house. Since having kids sleepover at our house encourages an invitation to be extended for our kids to go to their house, we generally shy away from that as well. I’m sure that sounds extremist, but we are just trying to protect our kids. We are not fun-haters. There are lots of ways to have fun, and there are lots of ways for our kids to have fun with their friends without going on sleepovers.

When I was I kid, I lived near a wooded area, and I loved to campout. Jeff, my best friend, had severe allergies, and every time he camped out he would have a huge sniffling attack and would either go home early, or have a miserable time. As a result, we didn’t camp out much. I don’t think we did many sleepovers either. While this was mildly disappointing, do you know what? We both survived. We still did lots of other things together.

Here are some of our concerns with sleepovers:

CHILDREN LEFT TO THEMSELVES
Sometimes kids feel they need some time just to themselves so that they can have some innocent fun in the absence of adults. Some parents will fall for this. The reason kids don’t want adults around, is because they bring wisdom, discretion, and guidance to the time, and that is what dampens the fun. While kids may think it is fun to play catch with a knife, adults (at least female ones) usually know better. When children are left to themselves, bad things happen. In your own home, you can make sure that doesn’t happen. In someone else’s home that is out of you hands.
Proverbs 29:15b A child left to himself disgraces his mother.

PEER INFLUENCE
I think another reason my friend and I didn’t campout much was because my parents knew that we were a bad influence on each other. Many people would have characterized me as a good kid, but when I was with my friends, I easily succumbed to peer pressure. We fed off of each other. The vast majority of bad things that I did as a kid were when I was away from my parents and with my friends. My first drink, first cigarette, first puff of marijuana, and first exposure to pornography were when I was away from my parents and with my friends. While you shouldn’t coddle your kids into adulthood, neither should you unnecessarily turn them over to their friends into uncontrolled environments. I remember my friends and I knocking on the neighbor’s window during a slumber party. We were trying to get a few of the girls to come out to make out with us. That was a lot of pressure for those girls to face (since we were so dashing and all). Luckily, they stood strong.
1 Corinthians 15:33 Do not be misled: "Bad company corrupts good character." NIV

DANGERS
Do you know what standards are held at your friend’s house, or at their neighbors’ houses? Do they have pornography, internet access, cable TV, pin-ups, or violent games? Do they keep loaded guns in the house? Fireworks? An uncovered swimming pool? Even something as simple as a dartboard can be dangerous to kids that are not aware of its dangers. While you certainly wouldn’t entrust your kids to just anyone, not every parent is going to have the discernment to know the wisdom level of YOUR kids. It is also important to realize that not every parent is who they may appear to be. One of my earliest exposures to pornography was at my friend’s friend’s home, and the magazines we eyed belonged to our school superintendent..
Proverbs 22:3 A prudent man sees danger and takes refuge, but the simple keep going and suffer for it. NIV

PROTECTION
Some people struggle with pride, some with lust, some with anger, and some even struggle with having sexual attractions toward children. Don’t think that such people are rare or easily spotted. I’ve heard many stories from people that I know, a few of which include a youth pastor, a mother, a father, a friend’s father, a female babysitter, and a stereotypical little old man. I have met most of these people, and I would not have any reason to distrust any of them, other than that I KNOW what they have done. So who can you trust? That’s a good question that is not easily answered. In light of that, I wouldn’t UNNECESSARILY entrust my kids to anyone. Life always has risks, but part of managing risk is by not taking unnecessary risks. If we have to go to a conference, then we will leave our kids with someone we trust, but we wouldn’t usually take that risk just so that our kids can have fun. We’re just trying to help protect them.
1 Corinthians 13:7a [Love] always protects. NIV

I hope that helps. I’d just take these things into consideration and pray that God leads you into standards that you think will work best for your family.

God bless,

Steve <><