72: Giving Kids Their Own Rooms

Question: I had a question about siblings sharing a room. Is there a time, if at all that you think would be an appropriate time for my girls to have their own rooms? I have a ten-and-a-half-year-old and an eight-year-old. Just a few times my ten-year-old has expressed wanting her own room and we are trying to plan ahead for the future where she will be going through a lot of changes and I just wanted to get your thoughts. Thanks a lot.

Response: We would have kids of the same sex share rooms.

It is good for kids to share. It’s healthy for them to build strong relationships where they learn to enjoy being around each other. They don’t need to have their own space to decorate and retreat to. It is more valuable that they learn to yield to their own desires and learn how to deal with their siblings, their siblings’ stuff, and their siblings’ friends.

Getting your own room is not necessarily part of growing up. I’ve shared a room with someone for most of my life, and almost all of my adult life.

As kids enter their teen years they often become very private and secretive. Many teens would like nothing better than to shut their parents out of their life, sit in their room, and use chat rooms and cell phones to talk to their friends. We’d like to head them off at the pass, and keep them from ever going down that path.

If she just wants privacy when she changes clothes, she could certainly change in the bathroom, or politely ask her sister to let her have the room for a minute while she changes.

Obviously, this is not the most crucial thing in parenting. If you only have one child of a particular sex, then by all means, give them their own room. A baby that cries a lot may need her own nursery. It can be fine and appropriate for kids to have their own rooms. However, in our situation, we have some of each and we’d prefer to have them work through the difficulties of living with someone rather than for them to have their own space.

In addition to all that, we are about ready to have our seventh, and if we give each of them their own room we might as well buy an apartment building. :-)

71: Good Trade Mom!

A “Baby Blues” cartoon pictured a mom sitting on the floor with a baby playing at her feet. She was thinking, “I’ve witnessed every burp, smile, hiccup and whimper this baby has ever made at the expense of my personal interests, career and social life. She then picked up the baby and said, “Good trade!”
[See cartoon on the website.]

Mothering can be very precious. This week our two-and-a-half-year-old, Jireh, kept trying to stick dolls up Kathleen’s shirt. When she tried to stop him he’d say, “Jazy play with dollies!” I guess he wanted his unborn sister Jaza to have something to do in there. Can you get any cuter than that? Motherhood is full of sweet moments.

Yet the tradeoff isn’t really between career advancement and precious moments. There’s so much more than that.

What does it mean in the following verse that older women are supposed to train younger women to love their children?

Titus 2:4-5 Then [the older women] can train the younger women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled and pure, to be busy at home, to be kind, and to be subject to their husbands, so that no one will malign the word of God. (NIV)

One practical application of training women to love is training them to embrace the work that comes with raising children. Love is not just a warm fuzzy feeling; it involves sacrifice.

John 15:13 Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends. (NIV)

1 John 3:16 This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for one another. (TNIV)

Motherhood involves countless sacrifice, not just of self-advancement, but of day-to-day desires. It is endless cooking, cleaning, washing, picking up, correcting, encouraging, explaining, comforting, and I could easily go on. Choosing that life is sacrifice; and choosing that life is love.

While the occasional precious moments may provide a momentary pick-me-up, the greatest encouragement should be that God is pleased with you, and with every choice you make to love your child at your own expense.

Have you traded sleep, peace, body shape, and interests to be a good mom? Good trade!

70: Kids and Divorce Don’t Mix

Q: My wife wants to get a divorce and I don’t want to. Our marriage has been a wreck for a long time and we’re having a hard time recovering. I am worried that divorce will ruin the kids, and she thinks they’ll be fine. Do you think they can recover from a divorce?

A: That’s a difficult question because many people are in single parent situations, and I don’t want to make it sound as if there is no hope for the children of divorced parents. On the other hand, losing a parent, or even long periods of separation from a parent will certainly introduce many significant difficult trials into a child’s life. I don’t think it is wise to downplay the impact of divorce on children.

Suppose someone asked the following: My leg has a really sore spot on it. It has been sore for six months now. I’m thinking of getting it amputated. I know a couple of people who are amputees and they seem to get along just fine. One lady I know said that losing her leg was the best thing that ever happened to her because it made her turn to God. Another friend met his wife in the hospital, and I can’t help but think that they wouldn’t have met unless he lost all the fingers on one hand. So the more I think about it, the more I think that I’d really be better off cutting off my leg.

I hope you see the fallacy in that thinking.

1) Just because it could turn out okay does not mean that it will.
The amputee could come out stronger, or could be physically and emotionally destroyed.
Your children could adjust really well to the trials a divorce brings, or they could get shipwrecked. Divorce takes a big risk with your children’s lives and gives no guarantees—certainly not positive ones. Study after study shows that divorce hurts kids.
http://www.troubledwith.com www.divorcesource.com

2) Because one path leads down a certain course does not mean it is the best course.
An amputation might be needed, but how much better to heal the limb?
A child could survive divorce, but how much better to heal the marriage? Wouldn’t it be better for your children to see you committed to each other through thick and thin, to see God’s ways work, and to see each of you unselfishly make choices to fix the problems?

Here’s a passage that covers some reasons to stay married:
Malachi 2:13-16 Another thing you do: You flood the LORD’s altar with tears. You weep and wail because he no longer pays attention to your offerings or accepts them with pleasure from your hands. 14You ask, “Why?” It is because the LORD is acting as the witness between you and the wife of your youth, because you have broken faith with her, though she is your partner, the wife of your marriage covenant.

15Has not [the LORD] made them one? In flesh and spirit they are his. And why one? Because he was seeking godly offspring. So guard yourself in your spirit, and do not break faith with the wife of your youth.

16“I hate divorce,” says the LORD God of Israel, “and I hate a man's covering himself with violence as well as with his garment,” says the LORD Almighty. NIV

Malachi mentions four reasons to stay married:

1) Because of the vows you made to stay married
”You have broken faith with her, though she is your partner, the wife of your marriage covenant.” (Malachi 2:14)
(See also Proverbs 2:16-17, Numbers 30:2, Deuteronomy 23:21-23)
2) Because God joined you together
“Has not [the LORD] made them one?” (Malachi 2:15)
(See also Matthew 19:4-6)
3) For the sake of your children
“And why one? Because he was seeking godly offspring.” (Malachi 2:14)
4) Because God hates divorce
“I hate divorce.” (Malachi 2:15)

Those are all important points to consider, but to stay on topic let’s consider the third. God made you one with your spouse. Why did He do that? Because He desired godly children from that union. In context this is clearly not simply talking about being “one” sexually. It is talking about being in a permanent united relationship. God is not just concerned about multiplying the number of people on the earth. If that were the case, marriage would not be emphasized, because it is not critical to child bearing (I’m speaking biologically, not spiritually). Reproduction would be the emphasized activity. God desired “godly” children, not just children. Evidently marriage is important to produce godly offspring, because from this passage, that was why he made you one in the first place—so you could produce godly offspring.

So to think that you (or in this case your spouse) can get divorced and not negatively impact the children is thoroughly unsound. Such thinking is not logical. Unfortunately, when we are about to do something that we know is wrong, we often defend our actions very illogically. We often become clouded by our own desires and start to try to deceive ourselves that wrong is right.

Galatians 6:7 Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows.

Your wife thinks she can plant weeds and harvest corn, and that is because she is deceived. If she plants weeds in your family, she will reap weeds. On the other hand if you both start the hard work of rebuilding your marriage and sowing good choices, you will reap good fruit in your marriage and family.

Lastly, let me say that the two of you desperately need to talk to your pastor and get some counseling. You need specific biblical advice for your specific situation. If she refuses to go with you, go by yourself. In such trials life becomes surreal and it is invaluable to get an outside godly perspective.

69: The Book

The book I’ve been working on is finally out! I got it a couple of weeks ago just a few hours before I left town for a conference and a vacation—not exactly the timing I was hoping for. In any case, it is in, and it is available on the web.

Here’s a description of why I wrote it:

I've always wanted a parenting book that was strong, but not obnoxiously so. Some books seem to water down God's truth, and others seem to take unnecessarily extreme positions on insignificant issues like potty training. I've also wanted a good overview - particularly one that covered love and discipline rather than one or the other. Of course, I also desired a book that captured the heart of the things that have been important to Kathleen and me. I wanted lots of Scripture.
There are a lot of good parenting books, but I've struggled to find quite what I was looking for.

I hope that "Premeditated Parenting" will be a book helps meet that need. I hope it revolutionizes your family, and that you will pass it on to your friends. Some of the content is made up of articles that I have already sent out or that are available on the web, but there are many new articles that I think you’ll appreciate. Plus it’s nice to have it all in a book form.

Here’s how to get a book:

For order information, pricing, samples, quantity discounts and other information visit www.premeditatedparenting.net/book.htm.

The list price is $11.95 for the book or $19.95 for the audio book. There is free shipping on any order over $50. I hope you’ll enjoy it enough that you’ll want to share it with others. I’ve set up some great quantity discounts to help make it affordable for you to use these books for a group study, to give as gifts, or to make available for your church literature table.

Friends and Family Pack - 5 books - $10.49 ea. / $52.45 box
Small Group Study Pack - 10 books - $8.99 ea. / $89.90 box
Great Deal Pack - 34 books - $6.49 ea. / $220.66 box
Mass Distribution Pack - 68 books - $4.99 ea. / $339.32 box
Best Deal Mass Distribution Pack - 102 books - $3.92 ea. / $399.84 box
(Prices subject to change)

These books will also be available at Summitview Community Church in Greeley and Ft. Collins. So if you go to church at one of those places, you may want to save shipping costs and get your book there.

After you get a chance to read the book, please send me your feedback. I would love to hear how God uses it in your life. I hope it will be an encouragement to many people.

United in Him,

Steve Nelson <><