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Friday, January 20, 2006

56: What the Bible Says about Discipline

The Bible says that, “If you love your children, you will be prompt to discipline them.” (Proverbs 13:24b NLT) This runs contrary to how many parents view discipline. Some people think discipline is mean or heartless. While this is understandable, it is somewhat of a shortsighted view of discipline. Discipline is for a child’s good, not harm. It may be painful or unpleasant for a short time, but in the end it brings about changes in a child’s life that are good for him. That is why it is loving.

When a dentist drills into my tooth to remove decay, he is not being mean. He is putting me through discomfort, but it is for my own good. While it would be easy to view him as being unkind or even cruel, the reality is that he has devoted himself to a compassionate and caring profession. In the same way, when administered correctly, a parent’s discipline is very loving.

The Bible also says that there is hope in discipline. Many parents feel hopeless in parenting. They are forever at the end of their patience, and they feel the outcome of their parenting is no more guaranteed than the flip of a coin. Proverbs 19:18 says, “Discipline your son, for in that there is hope; do not be a willing party to his death.” Discipline brings hope because it corrects the natural direction of a child’s life and his natural inclination to take the path of destruction. There is a light at the end of the tunnel! There is a return here on the earth for all of your hard work! What do you think the verse means when it says, “Do not be a willing party to his death”? If you recall, in the case of Eli’s sons, their unrestrained sin led, quite literally, to their deaths. The same might be said of David’s sons Amnon, Absalom, and Adonijah. Proverbs 19:18 could also be a little more figurative and might be translated as “Do not let them destroy themselves” (NCV) or “If you don't, you will ruin their lives.” (NLT) However you want to translate it, one thing is clear: parenting is serious business, and biblical discipline offers much hope in what could otherwise be a grave situation.

The Bible also says that disciplining your child can bring peace and delight to your soul.

Proverbs 29:17 Discipline your son, and he will give you peace; he will bring delight to your soul.

Have you ever been frustrated with your kids? Are you at your wit’s end at times? Has the thought of, “Now I understand how child abuse happens,” ever crossed your mind? I’m sure most of us can relate to those feelings. Parenting can get pretty stressful at times. Just as the sight of a boat gives hope to a cast-away, or the sight of an oasis gives hope to a desert wanderer, discipline is the hope of a parent. If you are helpless, wearied, beaten down, haggard, frazzled, fried, and fatigued by your kids, you need discipline. Discipline restores peace to a home. Even a parent who has started to dislike his own children can turn the corner by bringing discipline into the home. God says that your child can even become a delight to your soul, so that the thought of him does not bring frustration and stress, but pleasure and enjoyment.

Let’s not get all caught up in looking at the benefits we’ve discussed and miss the bigger picture here. God is directing you to discipline your children. He is not throwing it out as an option and giving you a few reasons to consider whether or not you want to take His advice. The three passages we just looked at could be abbreviated to the following directives: “Be prompt to discipline,” “Discipline your son,” and again, “Discipline your son.” Discipline is not optional; it is commanded. Remember Eli? His failure to discipline his children was not overlooked. He, himself, was punished severely for failing to follow God’s direction in this.

While we certainly don’t have perfect kids, we have reaped the benefits of discipline. We are hopeful for the future of our kids, our home is peaceful, and our children’s behavior is a delight to us. As we’ve loved our kids enough to shape and train them, we’ve found that it really works. Imagine that! God’s way is the best way.

Sunday, January 08, 2006

55: Tattletale

What should you do when children tattletale?

When I was a kid I was playing at the neighbor’s house. We found a kerosene lamp and were attempting to light it. Of course, we didn’t know that there was a difference between kerosene and gasoline. All we knew was that we needed a flammable liquid. We rounded up a gas can and were working on filling the lamp when the neighbor’s dad caught us. Even today, I’m not sure what would have happened had we continued. I suspect it would have exploded or caused a huge ball of fire. I do know that I am glad the little neighbor girl told on us.

As a parent, I need to know when my children are headed for trouble. I want to know if they are getting into gasoline, matches, pornography, cigarettes, or dangerous situations. I want to know if they are hitting, cussing, stealing, or starting to form other bad habits. For this reason, there are no secrets in our house. If one child is doing something they shouldn’t, a sibling is bound to tell him to stop. If that does not help, someone should come and get us. If a conflict occurs between the kids, they are not allowed to take it into their own hands. They are taught to say, “Help please Mom (or Dad).” When the kids spend time with other kids they are trained to let us know if the other kids say things like, “Whatever you do, don’t tell your mom or dad.”

We want and need to know what is going on in our kids’ lives.

So why does a tattletale get such a bad rap? Sometimes we look down on that behavior simply because we do not want to manage kids at that level. Instead of jumping in and using these opportunities to train our kids, it is easy to just tell them to go away. Obviously, it would be better to coach our kids than to cover our eyes and ears and hope all their problems work themselves out.

A couple of legitimate reasons tattletales can be annoying include when they are not minding their own business, or they are bent on getting their sibling into trouble, instead of trying to protect him.

For example, I want someone to tell if my child is playing with a gun. I do not want anyone to tell on him for not finishing his peanut butter and jelly sandwich. That is for Kathleen and me to watch over, not for our kids. We tell them that we are the parents; and they are not.

I do not my want kids to tell if someone makes a face at them. I want them to work it out amongst themselves, and I want them to get me if they can’t work it out. If they tell before trying to work it out, often they are just trying to get their sibling in trouble.

Here is a verse we’ve recently had the kids learn: 1 Thessalonians 4:11 “Make it your ambition to lead a quiet life, to mind your own business and to work with your hands…”

Of course we focus on the ‘mind your own business’ aspect of the verse. Several of our children have written out that verse multiple times in recent months.

This all takes some discernment on the part of the kids and the parents. Not only do they need to learn whether or not to tell, but when and where to tell. At school or church they need to let a lot of things slide. They shouldn’t come running to us or a teacher every time they see another child act up. Later, they can tell us what they saw and sort through what an appropriate action would have been. This whole learning process is critical. It is all part of discovering how to have meaningful relationships—knowing when to show grace, when to confront, and when to ask an authority figure to oversee the situation.