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Thursday, December 13, 2007

102. Twentee-Twunny Teen Vision

It was the first day of high school. Mr. Pellant passed out our text books and instructed us to turn to the inside cover where each book was numbered with a black marker. He gave the standard speech about not losing your book, or you would be fined. If you did not pay the fine, you would not get a report card, blah, blah, blah, graduate, blah, blah, blah. He then took roll call. When he called your name you were supposed to tell him your book number so he could record it.

Mine was twenty. I rehearsed it in my mind so as not to make a fool of myself on the first day of high school. “Twen-tee”. Or is it “Twun-nee”? I knew I would say “Twun-nee” normally, but this was not kid stuff anymore. This was high school. HIGH SCHOOL. And high school English class at that. This was the BIG times, baby. Certainly by high school we were expected to have perfected the pronunciation of the numbers one through twenty. I absolutely did not want the teacher to correct me. “Twun-nee” sounds so childish, or does it? “Twen-tee / Twun-nee.” “Twen-tee / Twun-nee.” I started feeling panicked, then horrified. Why couldn’t I get a normal number like everyone else? “Twen-tee / Twun-nee.”

“ Steve Nelson,” the teacher interrupted. Mr. Pellant was a no-nonsense type of guy. He was short and stocky, and seemed somewhat athletic. His wife had taught me in middle school. She caught me lying to her once, and on another occasion made me move my desk to the very back of the class against the wall. She was the only teacher that had me pegged as a bad kid. I wondered if she had ever told her husband about me.

“Twen-tee,” I replied softly, hoping to avoid embarrassment. (I’m telling you, it sounded just like the way a French poodle would say it. I know they can’t talk, but imagine if they could. They would say, “Twen-tee,” just like that.)

“What?”

Oh Great… here we go. All eyes on me. “Twen-tee,” I responded, enunciating as clearly as I could, my nervousness only accentuating the French poodleishness.

“You mean ‘twUNNY’?” He seemed slightly agitated by my overly proper pronunciation.

“Yeah,” I replied sheepishly. That went just about as badly as possible. (Or is it “‘bad’ as possible”? I’m still trying to figure out English.)

That sounds pretty dumb now doesn’t it? NOBODY cares how you pronounce twenty. Looking back at it, I can’t even believe the teacher picked up on the difference. I’m sure he doesn’t remember the incident. No one does. No one, but me. Who in the world remembers the number of their high school English book? Why does it matter?

But it did matter. It mattered deeply. What my classmates thought of me meant the world to me, and their approval – my fate—all hung on that one dreadful number, or so it seemed.

I’m at a loss for words. Where do you go with that one? There is so much there. Do you see the significance of that story? It’s a flashback to a different world—a time when we thought differently—when everyone thought differently. A zit was truly the end of the world—not figuratively, literally. IT WAS LITERALLY THE END OF THE WORLD. Between me and my classmates, the world literally ended thousands, if not millions, of times while I was growing up. I know that cannot be, but trust me, it did. Every embarrassment was the end of the world. Absolutely nothing else mattered. I would have sold my soul to the devil to hear the correct pronunciation of a single word. It was like the Twilight Zone. The slightest embarrassment could send us into emotionally cataclysmic contortions. And while we went through it all, we had to act as if none of it mattered to us. As the commercials said, “Never let them see you sweat.” Even now we are permanently scarred. We still care what those people, those kids, thought of us and still think of us ten, twenty, thirty years later.

Kathleen says I am exaggerating. However, she has the uncanny gift of blacking out all unpleasant memories. Isn’t that convenient? Trust me; high school is very much like this, but only to a high schooler. You know what they say, “Grownups do not understand.” Could it be that they are right? Maybe we have all blocked it out.

Here are a few things to chew on:

1) Be compassionate toward your teen. Teens go through a lot. Treat them like you would want to be treated if you were in emotional upheaval.

2) Don’t give them undue free reign just because they are going through a lot. We need to make good choices even when we are in the middle of tough times. This takes generous amounts of guidance and discipline.

3) Show your kids you love them. Help them see that God does as well. When you know you are loved by someone, you don’t have to be loved by everyone.

4)Equip your kids to handle failure and to have perspective. Only on rare occasions does being embarrassed actually bring the world to an end.

5) Help them develop an identity that goes beyond a zit count, clothing styles, and being cool.

6)Teach them that regardless of what the dictionary says, the second ‘T’ in ‘twenty’ is silent. Only Leonard Nimoy would pronounce the second ‘T’. And he is not cool.

101. The Demise of Mother Goose

Proverbs 14:1 The wise woman builds her house, but with her own hands the foolish one tears hers down. NIV

Obviously the verse is not talking about home construction; it is speaking figuratively of the building of the family. I wish it went into some detail about how to build your house, and how it can be torn down. Instead, we need to look at other scriptures for clues as to what this verse could be referring to.

Last year I watched a mother goose building her nest at the park near our home. She collected reeds and cotton tails from the pond and worked diligently for a couple of days at building a nest. Without the benefit of opposable thumbs this was somewhat of a frantic and awkward event. I found it quite humorous. She was desperately trying to build a home for her children that would be warm and safe.

Building a Christian home takes such diligence, not over a period of days, but decades. It does not always seem like a smooth process. Usually it appears more chaotic and haphazard. It is often humorous, but only when looking from the outside. These day-to-day difficulties consume many of our thoughts, “Are my kid’s getting enough calcium?” “Did I remember to turn off the lights?” “Did I put the turkey in the oven and let the cat out, or did I put the cat in the oven and let the turkey out?” Although consuming, these daily worries are not the typical home wreckers.

It would be wise to consider and avoid the true enemies to the security of our homes.

I’ve never seen a goose rip apart her nest. That would seem contrary to nature. Yet I’ve seen some women (and men) who, like the verse, have torn apart their own homes. Here is a collection of verses for thought and reflection on actions that may equate with tearing down your own house.

Disclaimer: I’ve seen an equal amount of destructive behavior from men, and most of these verses apply to them also. However, since the above verse talks about a woman, I’m going to leave it in that gender.

Being too soft to discipline faithfully
Proverbs 29:15 The rod of correction imparts wisdom, but a child left to himself disgraces his mother. NIV

Being too harsh (a militant mom)
Job 39:16-17 She [the ostrich] treats her young harshly, as if they were not hers; she cares not that her labor was in vain, for God did not endow her with wisdom or give her a share of good sense. NIV

Being disunited with husband
Luke 11:17 Jesus knew their thoughts and said to them: “Any kingdom divided against itself will be ruined, and a house divided against itself will fall.”

Not prioritizing being with her children
Titus 2:4-5 Then they can train the younger women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled and pure, to be busy at home, to be kind, and to be subject to their husbands, so that no one will malign the word of God.

Immorality
Hebrews 13:4 Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral. NIV

Abusive of alcohol and addictive substances
Ephesians 5:18 Do not get drunk on wine, which leads to debauchery. Instead, be filled with the Spirit. NIV

Greed (Consider in relation to shopaholicism, gambling, get-rich-quick schemes and overspending on credit cards)
Proverbs 15:27 The greedy bring ruin to their households, but those who hate bribes will live. TNIV

All of us need to take inventory of our lives at times. Although we love our families, we can easily be blind to how our actions will impact them. We need to be building our homes, not tearing them down! The mother goose may not have the sense to do much more than build a nest, but at least she doesn’t destroy her home to her own demise! May we be parents who have the sense to flee from the true enemies that destroy our homes.

100. Daily Dialogues for the Christian Parent

100. Daily Dialogues for the Christian Parent


Sometimes parents don’t know what to say to their kids. They may know lots of Scripture, but transferring it into everyday communication is difficult for them. In our home we have a number of phrases that get used repeatedly. They have biblical roots and, therefore, great value. Our family language has been shaped by these sayings. We’d like to share them with you to give you ideas, or to use in your own family.

Here are some examples straight from our home:

“Use 4:29 Speech.”
Ephesians 4:29 Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.

All our kids who are five or older know this verse by heart. When we say, “Use 4:29 speech,” they know it means to use speech that is helpful for building up instead of using speech that tears down. It is terribly hard to tame the tongue (James 3:8) and so this is constantly said in our home.

“Do to others what you would have them do to you.”
Matthew 7:12 So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets.

If only I had a nickel for every time we used this one! Our kids have an uncanny ability to detect every infraction against the respect and justice they think they deserve. When one child offends another it is a great time to ask, “Would you want to be treated that way?” “No.” “Then, do to others what you would have them do to you!”

“I forgive you as the Lord forgave me.”
Colossians 3:13 Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.

Forgiveness is tantamount to love, and getting our kids to love each other is one of our greatest parenting challenges. When our kids need to say sorry, we often have them repeat this phrase. We want them to be reminded of their own forgiveness when they have a need to forgive others. This will help them develop a spirit of grace toward those who offend them. Saying “I forgive you,” is not enough in our home.

“Mind your own business.”
1 Thessalonians 4:11 Make it your ambition to lead a quiet life, to mind your own business and to work with your hands, just as we told you.

I bet a lot of people didn’t know that one was in there! The kids aren’t allowed to say this to each other. We say it to them when one of them is being a buttinski. In fact, the frequent offenders have memorized the first part of this verse. Kathleen says, “Make it your ambition…” and they finish with “to mind your own business.”

“I’m frustrated with you for a moment but my favor lasts a lifetime.”
Psalms 30:5 For his anger lasts only a moment, but his favor lasts a lifetime.

This is what we say to our children after we are particularly strong with them and they know we are frustrated. We want them to know that we are pleased with them overall, even though we can get annoyed at times.

“God’s man in a godless world.”
John 15:19 [Jesus said,] If you belonged to the world, it would love you as its own. As it is, you do not belong to the world, but I have chosen you out of the world. That is why the world hates you.

Last year, Blaise started taking a couple of classes at our middle school. We wanted him to remember that God had a special call on his life. When we dropped him off we would say, “Who are you?” He would reply, “God’s man in a godless world.” This helped him remember that he was there on a mission—not to fit in, but to reach out.

“Remember..” “Whose I am and whom I serve.”
Acts 27:23 Last night an angel of the God whose I am and whom I serve stood beside me.

Blaise found this verse and we adopted it into the family lingo as another form of the previous saying. We would drop him off at school and say “Remember…” He would counter with, “Whose I am and whom I serve.” He’s not just a kid. He is God’s agent and is on a mission as His servant. We want that clearly stamped all over his teenage mind (and the rest of our kids as well).

“Others may; you may not. Others may not; you may.”
John 21:22 Jesus answered, "If I want him to remain alive until I return, what is that to you? You must follow me."

When we don’t let our kids do something that other parents are letting their kids do we say, “Others may; you may not.” We all have different standards, but our kids need to follow our standards. Occasionally we let our kids do something that their friends are not allowed to do. To help them keep their “fairness sensors” in check we remind them that at times, “Others may not; you may.”

In the above verse Peter was asked, “What is that to you?” in regard to what would happen to John. Our kids need that same perspective in regards to how other parents parent their children. Our kids need to follow us, not their friends’ parents.

“Be sensible.”
Titus 2:6 Likewise urge the young men to be sensible; (NAS)

We got this from a conference on Titus (I think it was from John Hopler). There are several things that are required of older men and women, and younger women in Titus 2. But there is one thing required of younger men. Be sensible. This was shared somewhat tongue-in-cheek, but it stuck with us. When our boys are doing something like sticking Spiderman up their noses (true story) it is a good time to say something like, “Son, be sensible!” Kids vascilate between childless behavior and maturity. We need to keep pushing them toward maturity, which includes being sensible (ie. self-controlled).

“Keep your promise even when it hurts.”
Psalms 15:4b who keeps his oath even when it hurts,

It is easy to keep a promise when it is to your benefit. It takes character when it comes at a cost. When a child promises something and only later realizes that keeping his word will be far more difficult than anticipated, this verse is a timely reminder.

99. 10 Things All Parents Should Do with Their Children

1. Climb a mountain
2. Teach them to play chess
3. Read a classic book
4. Go to a circus
5. Take them fishing
6. Watch a Charlie Brown TV special
7. Fly a kite
8. Go through a revolving door
9. Visit a national park
10. Honk while driving through tunnels

It is easy to get sentimental. The sights and sounds of childhood etch indelible memories which are recalled with dreamy fondness. The smell of a grandpa, the sight of shag carpet, the music that filled our living rooms, the taste of sweet corn, and the feel of hot pavement under our bare feet all bring back a flood of memories. It is only natural to want our children to relive those experiences with us. We eagerly buy the same music and books that we enjoyed in our youth. We eat the same meals, buy the same toys, and go to the same places. Are we trying to relive the same childhoods, or are we striving to give our children something different, something better, something fantastic?

I’ve done everything on the top list, but I haven’t done everything in the list below—yet. It is an interesting list to think through. The first list fills me with warm fuzzy feelings—the second … well, not so much. The first is a set of memories I have, the second, a set of memories I want my kids to have. The first is a list of want-tos, the second a list of shoulds. The second list makes me want to reevaluate my motives and my relationship with God. It stretches me. That is not a bad place to be.

10 Things All Christian Parents Should Do with Their Children

1. Put their arm around their kids at church
2. Pass out flyers door-to-door
3. Go on a mission trip
4. Read through the Bible together
5. Go on a prayer walk in a memorable place
6. Serve at a homeless shelter
7. Share their faith
8. Go to an all-night prayer service
9. Memorize a book of the Bible
10. Shovel a neighbor’s driveway