60. The Fear of Parenting

Q: I read the section on your web page about losing your daughter. I am so very sorry that happened. My husband and I went through a frightening experience with the birth of our second child, and we deal with being fearful of another pregnancy and labor. How did you keep having kids?


A: We’ve had a pretty rough road at times. I remember how exciting it was when Kathleen got pregnant the first time. We immediately started dreaming and planning. We couldn’t help but tie our hearts to the little life that was growing inside my wife. Unfortunately, we lost that child to miscarriage at three months, and a part of each of our hearts was ripped out. Our second (before our first birth) and third miscarriages (after our first birth) were also difficult. Although we were more guarded in our hopes, there is still no way to completely protect yourself from having your heart broken. You’ve read the story of Brea, and you can imagine that losing a child at birth was absolutely heart wrenching.

I don’t want us to appear as some sort of birthing martyrs. We’ve been greatly blessed in our family. We have six living children, one on the way, and four in heaven. God has been good to us. We have friends that have been through some heart wrenching experiences and I don’t want to appear like we’re the epitome of suffering. We have many friends who have lost their unborn children, babies, and , and others who would give their right arms just to have one child. The trials of parents is a common theme throughout the Bible. A few of the more famous parents who faced such trials include: Sarai/Sarah, Hannah, Elizabeth, the Shunammite woman, and Jairus’ family.

Nevertheless, we have been through some pretty tough times. So how were we able to keep having children? Here are a few things we’ve learned over the years.

1) Take them one at a time.
We never started off planning to have 6, 7, 8, or 11 kids (depending on how you count). We started off by having 1 kid. When we had 1, we certainly didn’t have the faith for 6, but we did eventually have the faith for 2. Through pregnancy and the following year, we’ve been fairly convinced that each child is our last. Overtime we inevitably realized that God wanted us to have just one more kid. Over time, those “just one mores” have added up.

When wandering in the wilderness God gave the Israelites manna to eat. He did not give them a forty year supply up front. He only gave them enough for one day, and on Fridays He gave them enough for two days. In faith, they had to trust that God would provide as they sought Him on a daily basis.

Matthew 6:34 “Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.”

2) Have faith in God’s love and control.
During our third pregnancy (after two miscarriages) we were overjoyed to hear the baby’s heartbeat because we had heard that the odds of miscarrying drop significantly after that point. Somehow though, it didn’t bring peace, because something could still go wrong. At what point were we safe? Birth? Five years old? Ten? Fifteen? There is no point at which we are guaranteed that everything is going to go according to our plans. We read a story once of a mom that went to deliver one baby and her others died in a house fire while she was at the hospital. Life can get ugly. However, it is important to remember that tragedy is not confined to birthing. It can happen in all areas of life. To avoid having more kids does not protect you from tragedy. This world is not heaven, and as such is very harsh at times. However, God is good and is in control. Nothing is going to happen to you that He cannot use for good. Our faith in His sovereignty (control) must outweigh our faith in our own ability to protect ourselves and shield ourselves from getting hurt in life.

In fear you could not have another child, or in fear you could have 10 more children, in case you were to lose the ones you have. Fear is not a good basis for decision making. You cannot protect your child from harm anymore than you can control the number of days of your own life. In faith, do the two of you believe that God wants you to have more children? If you answer that question correctly, you will be in the center of God’s will for your life. That does not guarantee an easy life that is free from pain, but it is undoubtedly the best place to be.

Proverbs 3:25-26 Have no fear of sudden disaster or of the ruin that overtakes the wicked, for the Lord will be your confidence and will keep your foot from being snared.

Proverbs 3:5-6 Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him and he will make your paths straight.

Psalms 139:16 Your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.

3) Faith must overcome fear.
Fear is natural. Following the loss of Brea, we were too fearful to go through routine delivery again. It would have given both of us heart attacks. When Kath went in for her c-section, the surgeon couldn’t get started because she was shaking so severely that he couldn’t start an incision. Even now, she says that everyday she fears that something will happen to the kids when she is in the shower. I fear that we might wreck the van, that the kids could get abducted, and that a little one could fall in the toilet and drown.

Fear is not the issue—faith is. Is your faith strong enough to trust God through whatever he calls you to do? If my wife never takes a shower because of her fears, that is not a demonstration of faith. If we never take the kids in the van, don’t let them play outside, or don’t let them near toilets, fear is getting the better of us. In faith you must walk the path that God sets before you. If He wants you to have more children, then do that, and do it fully convinced that God is leading your husband and you down a good path. Don’t worry about the what ifs. Whichever way God leads you, you are still likely to have some fears. But your faith must conquer your fears.

In the Bible Gideon is known as a mighty warrior. Yet he needed continual reassurances from God (Judges 7 & 8). God engulfed a sacrifice in flames for him, made the fleece wet, and made the fleece dry. Then he said to Gideon, “If you are afraid to attack, go down to the camp with your servant Purah and listen to what they are saying,” and there Gideon was given another sign. After five promises from God and five miraculous signs, Gideon was finally brave enough to attack. I imagine he still had fears, but those fears were overcome by his faith. In spite of his lack of courage throughout the event, God calls Gideon a man of faith (Hebrews 11:32).

In the same way, as you push through your fears in faith, God will bless and strengthen you.


I wish I had an easier answer to give, but it’s a wrestle of faith. Keep pursuing God for wisdom, and following Him in faith as He leads.

59: Three Kids in Two Arms

Q: I have 5 kids, ages, 7, 5, 2, 1, and 6 months. The problem I have is that the 6-month-old, 20-month-old and 2 ½-year-old all want to be held at the same time. They are all so young that I feel I don’t give them enough attention as they need. How can I give them attention without breaking my back or going crazy?

A: Wow! That’s a lot of little kids! We haven’t had three in a row that close, or even two in a row that were serious snugglers.

Here are a few thoughts:

1) First of all, I think it is important to hold your kids. My following comments might make it seem otherwise, but I believe it is a significant expression of love that helps kids form a level of security in the world. We hold our little ones as much as we can.
2) You can’t hold your kids all the time. As you mentioned it can get hard on your back to hold them frequently. Plus, you’ve got things to accomplish, many which are difficult to accomplish with a kid in tote (or two or three).
3) Your children need to be peaceful with point #2. You should be able to set them down and tell them that you love to hold them, but that you can’t at the moment. Be careful that they are not using being held as a way of manipulating you to avoid other instructions that you’ve given them. (I don’t want to obey; I want to be held.)Be proactive. If you do not have a plan and implement your plan, you are going to end up being frustrated and snapping at the kids when they want held.
4) If they fuss when you put them down I would consider that a discipline issue, because they are not obeying your instruction. If they continue to pester you to hold them, that is a discipline issue. If they only want to be held because another child is being held, that is jealousy, and I would work to correct that as well. It’s fine to want to be held, but it is not acceptable to fuss, pester, or respond jealously.
5) Depending on the child, it might be a little early to discipline the youngest. He or she should probably get held more, and the older ones should learn to accept that different aged kids have different needs. Obviously you’ll want to take turns some.
6) You might want to train the older two kids to spend some time with the younger ones. You could assign them each a 20 minute slot or two each day where they are responsible to hold or play with the younger children. This will help with the little ones and also help foster good sibling relationships. It’s not a lot of time, but every little bit helps. Dad can lend an arm or two as well when he is home.
7) Lastly, and most importantly, don’t feel guilty about this. You love your kids and are doing all that you can, but God only gave you two arms and one good back. Manage those the best you can, but don’t feel bad that you can’t do it all. In his wisdom, He most certainly did not give you more kids than you can do a good job with. They are not going to be permanently scarred because you had to set them down some when they were little. You’re not going to be able to give them all the attention they want, but you can certainly give them all the attention they need. The little ones think they need to be held all day, but what is healthy and right for ALL of the kids is to learn to “share mommy” and work together in a large family. A mom that is in the spirit is far more valuable than an exhausted mom that holds them all day long.

Hang in there! You may well be in your toughest parenting years! Over time your older kids will be a greater help.

58: House Rules

1. Always live in a way that honors God.
Mark 12:30 Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.’

2. Treat others as you would want to be treated.
Matthew 7:12 Do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets.

3. Share with others.
Hebrews 13:16 And do not forget to do good and to share with others, for with such sacrifices God is pleased.

4. Only tell the truth.
Leviticus 19:11b “‘Do not lie.’ ‘Do not deceive one another.’”

5. Don’t take what belongs to someone else.
Leviticus 19:11a “‘Do not steal.’”

6. Be thankful for what you have, and what you’re given.
Philippians 4:11b I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances.

7. Be kind to others.
Ephesians 4:32 Be kind and compassionate to one another.

8. Treat your siblings with great kindness. They are your closest “neighbors.”
Mark 12:31a The second [most important command] is this: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’

9. Obey your parents.
Colossians 3:20 Children, obey your parents in everything, for this pleases the Lord.

10. Treat your parents with respect.
Ephesians 6:2a “Honor your father and mother.”

11. Obey teachers, coaches, and other trusted adults.
1 Peter 2:13 Submit yourselves for the Lord's sake to every authority instituted among men.

12. Always speak cheerfully.
Philippians 2:14 Do everything without complaining or arguing.

13. Do not speak with harsh words or a harsh tone.
Ephesians 4:29a Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths.

14. When you are given a job to do, work hard.
Colossians 3:23 Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord…

15. Control your anger and frustration.
James 1:19b Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.

16. Do not take revenge when you’ve been wronged. Get help from a parent.
Romans 12:19 Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God's wrath, for it is written: “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,” says the Lord.

17. Don’t talk back.
Proverbs 18:13 He who answers before listening—that is his folly and his shame.

18. Have a happy heart.
Proverbs 15:30a A cheerful look brings joy to the heart.

19. Forgive others.
Colossians 3:13 Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.

20. Accept discipline with a good heart.
Proverbs 13:1 A wise son heeds his father's instruction, but a mocker does not listen to rebuke.