54: Oscar Meyer and the Boy at the Mall

Several years ago I was sitting in the food court in the mall in Ft. Collins, CO when I happened to observe a teenage boy walk up to his dad and give him a big hug. I didn’t know either of them, but it seemed like they were being reunited after a period of absence. I started wondering if they had just split up for a little while to shop, if mom and dad were divorced, and dad was getting his turn with his son, or if perhaps dad had just come back from a business trip.

I suppose the boy was about 13 or 14. At the time I didn’t have any kids even close to that age, but I knew that hugging dad in the mall was not cool. A typical kid that age walks ten feet behind his parents and ducks into a store if they stop to wait up for him. Not only does he not want to be seen with his parents, but he’s embarrassed at the notion that he even has parents. I think this is a well-documented phase of teenage development. In fact, one of my favorite parenting stories is when columnist Dave Barry pulled up in front of his son’s middle school in the Oscar Meyer Weiner Mobile. After tiring of his son’s parental-embarrassment-for-no-good-reason attitude, he decided to give his son a good reason to be embarrassed, and over the vehicle’s loud speaker called out, “Joshua Barry, please report to the Weiner Mobile.” Isn’t that great? If my son ever treated me in that I’m-so-embarrassed-you’re-my-dad manner, you can be sure I’d find a creative way to put him in his place.

Anyway, I digress. The point is that this boy was not that way. He ran up to dad and, in complete joy, squeezed him tight as if they were meeting for the first time.

I’m not sure what this dad’s secret to success was, but he had definitely grabbed his child’s heart, and his son esteemed him like no other. Most people in the mall that day probably never had a second thought about the incident, but I immediately knew that that was the type of relationship I wanted with my son.

With that in mind, I’ve continually tried to build into my children in every way that I can, because to be honest with you, I think it will be easier to grab my children’s hearts now, than to get my hands on an Oscar Meyer Weiner Mobile.

53: A Flake at a Time

It’s a beautiful snowy day in Colorado. The flakes are big and falling slowly and the ground is covered in a fresh white blanket. It’s a perfect day to play “I’m Dreaming of a White Christmas,” to drink hot cocoa, and to sit by the fire.

It’s interesting how the snow accumulates over time. It always seems like when it starts to snow, the first hour or two doesn’t do much. The vast majority of the flakes melt away as they touch the ground. Nothing sticks. Then gradually over time a little accumulation starts here and there on the grass. It usually takes several hours before the streets get covered, and then before you know it the whole world seems blanketed in white.

Parenting can feel the same way at times. So much of our training and disciplining seems to fall to the ground and melt away. Then, over time, we start to see little glimmers of hope. Maybe some of it is sticking after all! Our hope is that over the years the accumulation of instruction will dramatically impact their every aspect of their lives.

However, it is easy at times to get discouraged and to think that none of our parenting is making a difference. We get discouraged when we see the grass sticking up out of the snow, but we forget that the snow is still falling. We focus on the insignificance of each flake rather than the impact of the storm.

Isaiah 28:9-10 They say, “Who does the L ord think we are? Why does he speak to us like this? Are we little children, barely old enough to talk? He tells us everything over and over again, a line at a time, in very simple words!” (NLT)

Children are trained this way, little by little, a line at a time, using very simple words. Or as another translation puts it, “Do and do, do and do, rule on rule, rule on rule; a little here, a little there.” (Isaiah 28:10b NIV)

I wish I could just go tell my kids to be perfect, they would obey, and that would be the end of it. Unfortunately, it doesn’t work that way. Parenting is a long, slow, tiring process. We need to take heart and keep pouring input into our kid’s lives. Even if it seems like it’s only a flake at a time, eventually we’ll see the impact of our consistent love and training.

52: In Loving Memory: Brea Grace Nelson - December 5, 1998

“We haven’t been able to revive her . . . you need to pray,” was the first medical report I heard after about ten minutes of anxious waiting. I had felt a sense of dread for several hours already that night, and this announcement only made it more acute. Maybe that is common —I don’t know —but I had an overwhelming feeling that I was going to lose either my wife or my baby girl.

I’m sure my fears would have seemed pretty unfounded just minutes before. It had seemed like a pretty routine delivery, but within minutes our whole lives came crashing down. When the baby’s heart rate suddenly dropped, we were suddenly rushed off to the operating room. I heard the doctor yelling, “Get the father away from the door.” I stood and watched anyway. The last words my wife heard were, “Knife up, stat!” and she drifted into unconsciousness. Kathleen was split open on the operating table before me, and our baby, Brea, was pulled out. Brea was taken just out of my sight into a corner of the room; however, I could still see some of the nurses doctors and nurses who were attending to her.

After several minutes, when I realized that they were still treating her I actually thought, “Everything must be okay. She must still be alive.” Only when I was asked to pray for my baby did I realize that they were working on her in a desperate panic, and not as a part of normal routine.

Another 10 minutes passed before my fears were confirmed. Brea had passed away just before being delivered. I held her in my arms, but I knew she wasn’t there. When Kathleen regained consciousness, I had to tell her that Brea had died. It ripped my heart out. Nine months of hope, love, plans, prayers, and dreams died all at once. We literally cried all night long. In the morning I went home and told our other three children.

More tears. More pain.

Kathleen and I dealt with a flood of emotions over the next several months. It was hard to imagine how God could allow such a thing to happen. We had previously been devastated by the loss of three children due to miscarriage, and quite frankly, we thought God knew that we had been through enough.

Of course over time we realized that God had never promised to keep us from pain. We had an expectation on God that was unrealistic. We wanted this world to be exactly what the next is supposed to be. In fact, heaven is described as being exactly what we were looking for —a place where God will wipe every tear from our eyes, and where there will be no more death, or mourning, or crying, or pain[1]” In our minds we had a picture of exactly how the world should be. However, what should be, and what was weren’t lining up. Our hope was simply misplaced. We hoped this world we be like heaven, and it’s not!

If we had truly lost forever a child we had never met, we would have been devastated beyond belief.

Instead of being devastated, we were greatly comforted in knowing that our precious Brea was not dead, but was simply in heaven. In fact, we were never robbed of her, but still have an eternity to spend with her. You see, our only true hope is in eternity. Paul wrote in the Bible, “If only for this life we have hope in Christ, we are to be pitied more than all men.[2]” Hope in this life is futile. Because of our hope in eternal life, we have been able to go on, knowing that the things that are painfully absent from this life are the same things that make heaven all the more meaningful.

God’s desire is that you, and that every single person would spend eternity in heaven with Him[3]. Because that’s what He wants, He’s left us clear directions on how to get there. In fact, you can confidently know that you have eternal life [4]. The Bible says that you can never be goodenough to get to heaven [5], but that Christ died on the cross to pay for all the wrongs you’ve ever done [6]. That’s the great thing about eternal life. It’s dependent on what God did for you, not what you can try to do for Him. Jesus said that, “Everyone who believes in [Me] may have eternal life. For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. [7]” By believing in Christ, and by trusting in what He did for you, you too can have eternal life, and share in a hope that runs far deeper than any struggle you’ll ever face.

[1] Revelation 21:4
[2] 1 Corinthians 15:19
[3] 1 Timothy 2:3,4
[4] 1 John 5:13
[5] Ephesians 2:8,9; Titus 3:5
[6] 1 Peter 3:18; Romans 5:8
[7] John 3:16,17

51: Top Two for Kids: Honor and Obey

Question: I have a 14 year old, strong-willed daughter. I believe (as in the troubled teen contract) that she should be involved in an extracurricular activity (in addition to church, which she doesn't like to go, but will -- we have tried a few, big and small). However, she does not want to get involved in ANYTHING. She believes that high school is enough for her.

I can not give a "good enough" answer to her, "why do I have to be involved in something?," question. I answer with "it is doing something for the community, learn/display teamwork, a new interest, good for college applications, experience..." etc. And, how do you "force" a teen to do something they refuse to do outside of the home? (Although, she does this to inside the home things, too- i.e. chores, extra punishments.) I recognize this is a heart issue and I have talked to her about that, even this she rolls her eyes at, but may hear in her alone times.

I believe activities and/or sports are important and she needs to be involved. This has not been a good "answer" to a 14 year old. Can you help me share the importance of being involved?

Response: Of course these issues can be very complicated, and it's hard for me to get a good feel for what is going on from one e-mail, but here are a few starter thoughts.

The reason she should be involved is because YOU WANT HER TO get involved. You have your reasons, and you have lovingly tried to communicate those to her. That is important, because teens need to learn the reasoning behind what we ask of them. However, the most important reason is that it is what you have asked of her.

There are two very clear things asked of children in the Bible:

1) Honor: Ephesians 6:2-3 “Honor your father and mother”-which is the first commandment with a promise— “that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth.”

If the president asked me to donate the beautiful white fir tree in my front yard so that they could use it for the white house Christmas tree I would do it. I would not ask if I had to. He would not have to convince me, or reason through it with me. I owe him honor, and I would do it for honor. Like a child should honor a parent, I too am called to honor certain people.

Romans 13:7 Give everyone what you owe him… if honor, then honor.

2) Obey: Colossians 3:20 Children, obey your parents in everything, for this pleases the Lord.

If a policeman asked me to take off my right shoe, I would not question him. I would not demand a search warrant or ask what gives him the right. I would not question why he wants my shoe. It is not my place to question, but to submit to his authority. Like a child should obey and submit, I too am called to submit to those God has put in authority over me.

Romans 13:1 Everyone must submit himself to the governing authorities, for there is no authority except that which God has established. The authorities that exist have been established by God.

To only submit when you agree 100% with the reasoning of what has been asked of you is not submission at all. It is coincidence. You just both happen to agree that something is a good idea. With submission, we yield to someone else because God has put that authority in our lives and it is honoring to Him to yield to the authorities He puts over us.

I’m not sure if your daughter is responsive to spiritual input like that, but it might be good to sit down with her and explain why you are asking her to do something she doesn’t agree with.

While there can be situations where you can negotiate and talk through things, there are also times when we need to pull rank and ask them to yield to your God-given authority. It would seem to me that it would be important in this situation to have her follow through on what you’ve asked of her.

That leads us to the second part of the question. How do you enforce it?

I’d sit her down and say, “I love you and I care about you. I believe in you, and I want you to be used by God in special ways. I’m sorry I can’t explain to you how extracurricular activities relates to that, but it does. In any case, I also believe it is best for you to do what I have asked of you. I cannot force you to do it, but I can make the choice easier for you. The way I will make the choice easier for you is by making the choice not to be involved in extracurricular activities more difficult for you. In fact, because I love you so much, I’m going to do everything within my power to help you make the right choice and listen to me. I’ll start by grounding you, and then taking away your CDs. I’ll give you extra chores, and then I’ll pick out your wardrobe for you. You see, this is not about activities. This is about honor and obedience. If you will not respect me, then you will not submit to any authority in your life. That will ruin you, and I will not let that happen without a fight. Because I love you, I’ll go to extremes to help you go down the right path.”

Then I’d give her a big hug and a kiss and say, “It’d probably be a lot easier for both of us if you do the right thing now, but if you want to push me on this I want you to know that I will not back down. You might want to think about that for a few hours, but by tomorrow morning I want to hear what your activity is going to be. If I do not, there will be consequences. I love you honey."

By the way, I’d also tell her that rolling her eyes is disrespectful and that there will be no more of that happening without consequences. ;-)