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Tuesday, June 20, 2006

68: Book Recommendations

I am tempted to downplay the role of books in our children’s lives. I’m not sure why. Perhaps I’m concerned that some parents will believe their parental duty is fulfilled by filling their library with the right books, or maybe I’m concerned that some child will find life stuck in the pages of fantasy, instead of lived out in the real world. I definitely don’t want them more excited about fictional creations of human imagination than they are about God’s Word. In any case, we have hundreds of books for our children. We must believe that they have some significant impact.

I want my kids to read some of the books I read when I was a kid. I suppose that is nostalgia, or maybe I want to share some common experience with my kids. Books like “Where the Red Fern Grows” and “My Side of the Mountain” somehow capture a part of my childhood.

Some books serve as educational experiences. They take my kids to far away places that I cannot, explain things that I don’t remember, and tell stories that I don’t have time for. They reinforce things that I am trying to teach, and fill in gaps that I don’t even know exist.

I love biographies. Most great men and women are remarkably ordinary. That is what I like about them. We’ve bought our kids several sets of biographies because I want them to see the impact of various lives lived with faith and vision—just in case our lives are not inspiring enough. No parent strives to raise ordinary children. We want extraordinary kids. Maybe exposure to some extraordinary lives will help them along that path.

Occasionally we’ll get a book or a series just to spark the interest of our children in reading. It might be silly, funny, or suspenseful, or it might be about Indians, dinosaurs, princesses, or whatever our children are enthralled with at the moment.

So when it’s all said and done, I guess we take all this book stuff pretty seriously after all.

There are countless good Christian books out there for kids. I’ve listed a few of them on a book list that some friends helped me put together. (Thanks Laura and Jenn!) Christian books for adults tend to get more doctrinal and are much harder to recommend (I even have some reservations on some of the books I listed), but there are a zillion good books for kids.

If you wanted to start a children’s library at church, you could have parents team together and each spend $30 on listed items. That should give you a great start. You can also keep your eyes open for these titles at garage sales and second-hand stores.

Saturday, June 10, 2006

67: Getting Back the Respect of Your Kids

Question:
I have a question for you about my own situation.

We have a 7 year old son and a 5 1/2 year old daughter. Somewhere along the line I feel like we have lost their respect. I don't feel like they have very obedient hearts or try very hard to obey us. We have not always been consistent in our discipline and that is probably part of the problem. It seems like they are often getting into mischief—doing little things that they think are funny but are also clearly inappropriate or not allowed. The issues usually revolve about small things that are fairly insignificant except for the fact that they have been asked not do to do these things. Two recent examples are: moving sand out of the sandbox and getting it into the grass, playing with their stuffed animals in the dirt, etc. I feel like if they can’t obey in the small things then how will we be able to trust them to obey in the big things. I guess my question would be this: How do we regain their respect, or get their hearts back, or “reel them back in”?

It's very hard to articulate this into an email, but if you have any advice, I would sure listen.


Response:
1. Be consistent in your discipline.
You may have diagnosed your own predicament. If you are inconsistent in your discipline they will certainly be inconsistent in their obedience.

I am personally greatly influenced to do right by a lot of external factors. I’m afraid of getting caught. I have a healthy fear of God. I think that even if I don’t get caught God will make me get caught anyway. I’m afraid of sin’s destructive impact on my life, the lives of my family members, and the lives of all who know me. When feeling particularly holy I might even be afraid that I could bring shame to God.

I don’t usually choose to do right just because I’m such a nice person. At times, in the flesh, I don’t feel I have an obedient heart at all. I can feel quite dark and ugly. I can scare myself. I pray for a good heart, and I wish I obeyed just because I really love Jesus that much, but in reality I’m often far more selfish than that.

What I’m saying is that I definitely need a heart change. However, while God is reworking me, I also benefit from some significant external pressure. God gives me various motivations to do right (positive and negative), I work on my heart, God gives me grace to choose correctly, and hopefully somehow it all results in a life that honors God.

I wouldn’t expect my kids to be so well-trained or godly that they just obey me out of the goodness of their hearts. It’s a great idea, but practically they are going to need the help of some external motivation to choose what is right. You need to provide that for them in a consistent fashion. This will help reel them back in.

2. Set clear boundaries.“Don’t take stuffed animals outside,” is a clear boundary. “Don’t play with your stuffed animal in the dirt,” is less clear. What is “play with”? Can they carry them across the dirt? Can they play in the dirt while holding the animals? Is it okay to put the animals in the swing above the dirt? What is “in the dirt”? Is the grass okay? What about the thinning part of the yard? What about the sandbox?

The clearer the instruction, the more likely that they will obey it and that you will enforce it.

3. Don’t be discouraged by their disobedience.
Disobedience in children is to be expected. Don’t take it personally. Just deal with it (with discipline) and move on.

To be honest, the examples you gave don’t sound too bad. If they are yelling, “I hate you”, cussing at you, or sticking their tongues out at you, then I’d agree that you’ve lost their respect. To me, these two instances sound completely within the realm of what can be expected. I’m not saying it’s okay. I’d discipline for it. However, I wouldn’t be surprised or discouraged by it.

4. Invite a trusted friend to observe the situation.
Find a Christian friend who is a parent you respect. Invite him or her over for a few hours and ask for feedback on your kids and your parenting. It can be humbling to take such direct input in such a personal area, but it can also be greatly valuable. We try to frequently get similar input from friends, family members, babysitters, and Sunday school teachers. The closer the person is to you, the more valuable the input is likely to be.

Friday, June 02, 2006

66: Good Dad Jonadab

Jeremiah 35:13-14 [The LORD said,] “Jonadab son of Recab ordered his sons not to drink wine and this command has been kept. To this day they do not drink wine, because they obey their forefather's command. But I have spoken to you again and again, yet you have not obeyed me.”

Unfortunately, the Bible is sorely lacking in examples of good parents—there are plenty of bad ones, but few good ones. Jonadab is the one example of a good parent that really jumps out to me. I know it is an obscure story, but it is still encouraging.

To get a point across, the LORD told Jeremiah to go and offer some wine to the descendents of Recab. They refused saying, “We do not drink wine, because our forefather Jonadab son of Recab gave us this command: ‘Neither you nor your descendants must ever drink wine…’ We have obeyed everything our forefather Jonadab son of Recab commanded us. Neither we nor our wives nor our sons and daughters have ever drunk wine.”

Jeremiah took this message to Jaazaniah son of Jeremiah, the son of Habazziniah. We don’t know if Habazziniah was the son, grandson, or even great-grandson of Jonadab, but in any case, we do know that Jonadab’s instructions were carried out through at least three generations!

Are you getting lost in all the names? That is understandable. This is a truly obscure passage, but it still carries a great message. Sometimes parenting can seem hopeless. Even when you read through the Bible it can seem like there isn’t a single set of parents that did well with their kids. The story of the kings is particularly discouraging. Yet here, buried away in the book of Jeremiah, is a father that passed something on to his kids, his kids’ kids, and their kids as well. His parenting significantly impacted generations.

Do you believe that your parenting can impact generations? It can. God’s ways work. You can always count on that.