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Wednesday, April 04, 2007

90. Practical Behavioral Standards 1: Peaceful

Titus 1:5-6 An elder must be…a man whose children believe and are not open to the charge of being wild and disobedient. NIV

One of the qualifications for a pastor or elder is that their children should not be wild. Since the pastoral qualifications listed in Titus are things that every Christian should aspire to, it seems that God’s desire for all our children is that they would not be wild.

Because we can hold vastly different standards on what it means to be wild, it may be helpful to understand God’s character in this. 1 Corinthians 14:33 says, “For God is not a God of disorder but of peace.” God’s character is one of order. One could also argue that God is a god of creativity, spontaneity, and even that he has a sense of humor. However, He is also a God of order.

So what does it mean that our children should not be wild? What standards would be fitting for the child of a God of order? Here are some ideas that come to my mind.

  • No yelling, screaming, or unnecessarily loud behavior
  • No throwing food or objects which are not meant to be thrown
  • No running in the house or in other inappropriate settings
  • Children’s rooms and play areas should be reasonably well picked-up

While there is certainly opportunity to let kids be kids, this does not have to occur at the expense of peacefulness. Children can have standards and boundaries and still have a lot of fun. However, if you are not experiencing peace in your home, you are probably not keeping them under sufficient control.

If God had children, it would be hard to imagine them running, screaming, and throwing French fries at each other in the midst of a chaotic house. God wants children who are peaceful, not wild.

89. How Many Warnings?

Question: I've read your spankings of a child and a marriage article. We have a three-year-old and more times than not, she's put in her room for under five minutes. But we have spanked her and then comforted her after a few short minutes. What or when is a good time for spanking? I, the mother, spank after the third verbal warning of the consequences. What do you think?

Response: Let me start with an illustration. When you are going up a flight of steps, without even giving it any intentional thought, your brain will figure out how tall and deep each step is based upon the first few that you climb. After that you will only lift your foot high enough to clear the steps. You won't lift it three inches higher just in case. You'll just skimp by. If a builder accidentally makes one step just 1/4 of an inch higher than the others, you will trip on it, and so will everyone else. If you use the staircase enough, your brain will eventually readjust and you'll clear the step (just barely) without even thinking about it.

This is they way we are in a lot of things. When it comes to any form of discipline, we will figure out exactly what the standard is and adjust accordingly. If we only have to obey at 85 MPH, then we'll drive 85. If we can get away with 80 then we'll do that, but if 82 will also keep us from getting a ticket, then 82 will become the standard we hold.

If your child learns that she only needs to obey after the fifth warning, then the first four warnings will become routine verbiage that hold no significant meaning to her. In other words, why should she obey any of them when there are no consequences?

Another related example is the use of a raised voice. If we correct a child in a normal voice and she doesn't obey, the natural tendency is to raise our voice. When she doesn't obey a raised voice, that makes us even madder, and so we raise it even more...then more...then pretty soon we're yelling. If we don't discipline until we reach the yelling stage, then our child will learn that she doesn't need to obey until Dad or Mom starts yelling.

So what's the answer? You should give the same number of warnings as the number of times you want your children to consistently disobey. If you consistently spank after one warning, your child will adjust her obedience accordingly. If you consistently discipline after ten warnings, that will become the standard.

I'm sure a lot of other factors come into play such as the age of the child, the environment (Are you at a funeral, or a children's party?), the seriousness of the offense, and the black-and-white nature of the disobedience, but generally speaking we wouldn't give more than one warning, and sometimes none at all.

or a three-year-old I'd be careful to use simple clear commands. For instance, saying, "Pick up your doll, your blanket, and your pillow," is clearer than saying, "Pick up your room." "Come touch my hand," is clearer than saying, "Come here". "No words," is clearer than, "Calm down."