16: Critical Involvement

Hey everyone,

Many of you have heard by now, but Kathleen’s mom passed away on November 14th. It was a difficult time for us, but we are grateful that she did not have to suffer long. Praise God for eternal life! “If only for this life we have hope in Christ, we are to be pitied more than all men.” (1 Corinthians 15:19 NIV) Kathleen’s mom had placed her faith in Christ many years ago, so we look forward to seeing her again in heaven. In the meantime, you can keep praying for her family.

Anyway, on to parenting. Please take a moment to take the following quiz:

1) Which parent has primary responsibility for bringing their children up in the training and instruction of the Lord?

2) Which parent is responsible for managing the family?

3) Which parent should ensure that children are obedient and respectful?

4) Which parent has primary responsibility for the discipline of their kids?


You may be shocked to learn that it is the dad that is primarily responsible in each of these areas. I don’t mean to downplay the role of moms at all. Let’s face it, in most homes the moms are far more involved with the kids. They spend more time with them, care for them, cook for them, get up with them, and all kinds of other things. Moms are great. But dads, you must stay involved! While you may not spend as many hours with the children, you must not disconnect or be a neutral party when it comes to parenting. You should be the driving force behind what your family does—the visionary. I believe God sees you as such. Read each of the quiz questions again and then read the corresponding verse below. How would you say God sees your role?

#1) Ephesians 6:4 Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord. NIV

#2, #3) 1 Timothy 3:4-6 He must manage his own family well and see that his children obey him with proper respect. (If anyone does not know how to manage his own family , how can he take care of God's church?) NIV

#4) Hebrews 12:9-10 Moreover, we have all had human fathers who disciplined us and we respected them for it. How much more should we submit to the Father of our spirits and live! Our fathers disciplined us for a little while as they thought best; but God disciplines us for our good, that we may share in his holiness. NIV

In a recent Dilbert comic strip written by Scott Adams the following exchange took place:

Employee: Do you mind if I leave early to spend some time with my kids?
Exasperated boss: I never spent time with my kids and they turned out just fine!
Employee: How many do you have?
Boss: Threeish.

I met a pastor once who was reflecting on his job as a parent and said, “I think I did a good job with my kids. I went to all of their games.”

Dads! That will not cut it. We cannot bring home the bacon and leave the child raising to the moms. We cannot consider game attendance the fulfillment of our parental role. As Bill Cosby said, we cannot manage their lives over cell phones. We must be involved. We must know where are kids are at, and I’m not talking about their physical location. We must know where they are at in regard to character and spiritual development. We must know where they are going, and we must know how to help get them there. And we must help our spouses implement the plans that will help our kids grow. That’s a lot of ‘we’s, isn’t it? (My past English teachers are choking all over that.) But a lot of it is about “us.” We dads need to step up to our God-given calling. God wants us involved, and our wives and kids need us to be involved.

P.S. To you moms out there without husbands or with disconnected husbands, I want to say I admire what you do. You have guts. You are pulling double duty to the best of your ability, and I believe that God will bless you in that. Keep up the good work!

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Be careful about using the NextBlog>> button to view other blogs. You never know what is out there!

15: Can Other Forms of Discipline Be Blessed?

W ell, Kathleen's back, and all the kids are still alive and reasonably well cared for. Sure enough, God gave grace to me and we all got through some tough days. Thanks for all your prayers and offers of help!
- Steve

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Can Other Forms of Discipline Be Blessed?

Question: I wasn’t raised being spanked, and I have never really believed in spanking. Can other forms of discipline be blessed?

Response: There are certainly other forms of discipline that can be blessed. Rebuke is a clear biblical example of another form of discipline (Proverbs 9:8; 13:1; 17:10; 19:25). I’m not sure how old your kids are, but is important to note that Scripture seems to imply that rebuke is for those who are older and wiser. Taking away privileges or adding work are forms of discipline that can also be effective and that I think can be backed biblically. For example, God added work to Adam when he sinned in the garden. God also took away a privilege from the Israelites when he prevented them from entering into the Promised Land.

Rather than expand on those thoughts, I’d like to take another angle on this question. Sometimes I may read more into a question than is actually there, so please forgive me if I totally miss where you’re coming from here.

When you ask if other forms can be blessed, it seems to me that you realize that there is a blessing that comes with spanking. In other words, you seem to be saying that you realize that the Bible teaches spanking, and therefore God will bless it. However, for some reason, you are reluctant to use it. Perhaps that is because of your own upbringing, negative accounts you’ve witnessed or read about, or maybe you are afraid that spanking may lead to abuse.

Let me ask you this question. Do you feel that God wants you to spank? This is an important question. Suppose you were a foster parent and were not allowed to spank, and wrote to ask if other forms could be blessed. I would say, “Absolutely!” In other words, if you were in a situation where spanking was prohibited, and you felt it would be honoring to God not to spank, I certainly believe God would bless you as you practiced other forms of biblical discipline. On the other hand, suppose you believe that spanking is biblical, and that God wants you to spank, but you don’t want to. I do not think God will bless in that situation.

For example, I do not believe God wants me to spank our children when they are infants and unable to understand instructions. I believe that spanking is primarily for rebellion, and it is not possible to rebel against a rule without being able to comprehend what the rule is. Therefore I would not spank a 5-month-old, because although infants can certainly be fleshly, I’d say they are technically not rebelling because they can’t comprehend the rules. I believe this is God’s will in this matter, therefore, it would be wrong for me to spank an infant. (Of course, I believe that it would be wrong for anyone else as well in this example.) I do believe God wants me to spank my 3-year-old. I believe this is what God has directed in His Scripture, and I have no reason to believe that my situation is an exception to God’s input in this area. Someone else may be in a different situation and believe God’s will is different. He may have a 3-year-old whose mental progress is impaired. Or it may be a wife who wants to spank, and whose husband doesn’t want her to. In these cases, and in any case, it is important to know and follow God’s will.

Does that make sense? If you are seeking God’s blessing, the way to get it is to follow God’s will. If you know His will, or in other words, if you know what He wants you to do, then do that. I think it is ill-advised to do something other than God’s will, and still hope that God would bless that.

I’d encourage you to start not by finding another way to discipline, but by exploring why you are holding to a position of not believing in spanking when it is clearly taught in the Bible. Don’t use your current thoughts on the matter as a starting point. Start from God’s word, and then follow God’s instruction as He leads you. Do you have questions, concerns, and fears on this topic? Address those. Ask questions, study the scripture, and get godly advice. Pray that God will reveal His will to you in this matter. James 1:5 says, “If any of you lacks wisdom , he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him.” When God answers your prayer, and you’re confident that He has shown His will to you, then do His will, for in James 1:22 it says, “Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says.”

14: Mr. Mom

Kathleen ran back to Iowa this week to see her mom who is ill, and I got the privilege of being the mommy. (Her mom is doing a little better. Thanks for your prayers.)

I really haven’t tried to do much pastoral work this week, so I’d guess the last four days (has it really only been four days???) is pretty typical of what Kathleen experiences all the time. The exception of course is that I have the hope of her coming back soon. So where I am only playing Mr. Mom for a few days, she’s got another 17 years or so.

I’ve been trying to do it all: quick runs to the grocery store, laundry, cleaning, schooling, comforting, etc... Several very generous people have made us meals, so I’m probably not experiencing the full weight of mommy-hood, but I think I’m getting the picture. It’s quite a job. At one point I was frantically running through the house trying to find my shoes so I could take Keziah to the Emergency Room. All kinds of thoughts were running through my mind. "Should I leave the other kids alone while I go to the ER?" "Can I call a neighbor?" "Do I have time to gel my hair." (Hopefully, I’m not that vain, but I had just got out of the shower.) It didn’t even occur to me to call 911. I guess the little edible robots the kids made with toothpicks, marshmallows, and licorice weren’t such a great idea. (To my credit, I didn’t let them put toothpicks in the robots made for the smaller two kids.) Luckily, she coughed up the toothpick before we made it out the door.

Another time I was pretty much at the end of the rope after Malia missed the potty. I actually did okay with cleaning it up and all, but then later she was squirming around when I was putting her new pajamas on and I just about lost it. I didn’t actually yell at her or do anything to her, but I admit, I most certainly felt like going berserk-o. What can I say, I’ve got testosterone issues. I’m just kidding of course. The issues were not testosterone issues, but character issues. Actually I was pretty discouraged by the whole event because I would like to think I’m a little more spiritually mature than that. God help me!

Then there was last night, or this morning, or whatever you want to call it. Jireh woke up at 1:00 screaming. I drug myself out of bed and got him some milk. That helped for a good five minutes and then he started at it again. I let him cry for another ten or fifteen minutes and then I went down to comfort him. Of course two fears ruled my mind, 1) what if he has an ear infection?, and 2) what if I can’t get back to sleep? After thirty minutes or so of cuddling him and singing Jesus Loves Me to him I put him back down. Another thirty minutes or so and I was free to go back to sleep. Of course that was several hours ago, and instead of laying in bed I’m writing all of you. (Maybe that’s that whole thing about mommies wanting some adult companionship.) Anyway, of course the discouraging part of it all is that they’re all going to start waking up in two hours. I’ve got a whole day ahead of me with very little rest. (That should really help my irritability issues, huh?)

The verse that comes to mind is Matthew 6:33. It says, "Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." I don’t need to worry about tomorrow (or is it today now?). God will give me grace. He gave me grace to get through yesterday, and the day before, and the some 14,000 and some days before that. There has never been a day that was too much. Sure, I might be a little sleepy, but maybe I’ll get a nap, or maybe Kath will come home early, or maybe God will just help me minute by minute to keep faithfully serving him right in the midst of my exhaustion. That’s my hope. Somehow, someway, God is going to get me through today, and tomorrow, and hopefully the next 14,000 days after that. God is good.

13: Will Discipline Cause Rebellion?

Question: I have heard Dobson's book on strong-willed children discourages heavy discipline for these temperaments because it will make them rebel more. Have you read this book?
Response: I just finished reading "The New Strong Willed Child" by James Dobson. I sure didn’t catch any statements like that, but I could have missed something. He did question the use of corporal punishment with kids diagnosed with ADHD, but for strong-willed children he seemed far more disciplinarian than I expected. In fact, my impression from one of his comments (pg. 211) was that he was trying to stress discipline more in the new edition than he did in the original.
He said several comments like "It is appropriate, from my perspective, to spank a child under certain well-defined circumstances" (pg. 49), "It is extremely important for the parents to ‘win’" (pg.50), and "I believe a mild and appropriate spanking is the discipline of choice for a hot-tempered child between twenty months and ten years of age" (pg. 58). He also has a chapter called "Corporal Punishment and the Strong Willed Child."
He didn’t emphasize discipline as much as I would, and he certainly recommended starting later than I would, but overall the book was much better than I anticipated.
Anyway, it is hard to know what you mean by "heavy discipline." I think most people who believe in spanking seem to recommend it for blatant disobedience. If you do not discipline for blatant disobedience, rebellion is sure to flourish. If you inconsistently discipline for disobedience, rebellion is sure to flourish. If you consistently discipline for disobedience, your child will learn that disobedience does not pay, and instead brings unpleasant circumstances. If you are consistent, firm, and loving, this type of discipline will greatly reduce rebellious behavior.
If a parent is not in the habit of setting standards and disciplining his child when those standards are broken, then sure, I’d expect a major flare-up of rebellion. When a cowboy tries to break a wild horse, my movie watching experience tells me that that horse is not going to like it. The horse is going to go absolutely berserk for a time, until it realizes that it is not going to win. Then it eventually calms down and behaves. I’d expect the same thing from a child who is being trained for the first time, or trained consistently for the first time.
Don’t waiver on this. If your child wants to challenge your authority, rise to the challenge. It’s time to go to battle. That is the loving and right thing to do. God has put you in charge, and expects that you can and will win. Don’t fear that engaging your child’s rebellion will somehow make him worse. I’d be much more afraid that your child’s rebellion will destroy him unless it is confronted, and I’d be quick to confront it and deal with it.
Dobson put it this way, "In a moment of rebellion, a little child will consider his parents’ wishes and defiantly choose to disobey. Like a military general before a battle, he will calculate the potential risk, marshal his forces, and attack the enemy with guns blazing. When that nose-to-nose confrontation occurs between generations, it is extremely important for the adult to display confidence and decisiveness. The child has made it clear that he’s looking for a fight, and his parents would be wise not to disappoint him! Nothing is more destructive to parental leadership than for a mother or father to equivocate [or waffle] during that struggle." (pg. 52)
Don’t get me wrong, our family has a very loving atmosphere. We hangout, hug, tease, and horseplay all the time. However, we also establish our God-given parental authority when they are young and we don’t let up much as they get older. I’ll look my 11-year-old in the eye and say, "Do you want to go to battle? If you want to go to battle I’m up for that, and I’ll win, but it’d be much better for you to just yield, here and now." Sometimes he yields, and sometimes we go to battle, but in the end, the rebellion is put down, our child’s heart is restored, and peace is brought back into the home.
Have faith that as you follow God you’ll find the same blessing, and squelch those fears that somehow you’re going to mess up your kid. If you follow God’s leading, you will certainly not be worse off for it!
Proverbs 29:17 Discipline your son, and he will give you peace; he will bring delight to your soul. NIV

12: Halloween and the Store Clerk

Question: I'd like to get some thoughts on the topic of Halloween. I know it's a touchy one...everyone in the Christian community handles it differently. As a couple, my husband and I have always been very convicted about not celebrating it in any way (not that that's the best answer for every family in every situation, but that's where we've firmly stood for all of our married life). So now we have our wee little son , and want him, too, to avoid this commercialized American "holiday." (We have nothing against candy or costumes, mind you, just the origin of the celebrations, and all the evil it can introduce kids to). So, I'm searching for some wisdom on how we can train him to succinctly, gently, and without judgment, answer the grocery store clerk's question, "So, what are you going to be for Halloween?" Every answer I come up with is either very long, or sounds very legalistic. Any input? We won't be offended no matter what your stand is, so ANY input from you guys would be valuable to us!!!!

Response: My answer is probably not very timely, but better late than never, right?

Obviously you want to be sensitive to people who hold other positions, without watering down your own position. It's good that you're trying to be winsome, and it's also great that you are sticking to your guns on what you believe is important. We're personally not too bothered by trick-or-treating, but we're not particularly fond of the Easter bunny. We tell the kids that Santa is not real, but it's fun to pretend that he is. I totally try to pull off the tooth fairy thing, but I think the kids are usually pretty wise to that right from the bat. We celebrate Thanksgiving (which I think is an excellent holiday), we don't do St. Patrick's (for no particular reason), and we either celebrate Valentine's or fight on Valentine's depending upon whether or not I remember it. I bet not a single person that reads this does exactly what we do in each of these areas. Each of us will have personal convictions in each of these areas, and we need to give each other some space to have different convictions on these things. You and your husband obviously already hold that perspective, which I think is very healthy.

In light of that I'd encourage your son to be very polite and say something like, "My family doesn't celebrate Halloween, but I love to dress up like a ninja (or fireman, cowboy, old man, etc...). By having him mention a dress up character he probably wouldn't kill the conversation or come across as judgmental. Instead it would naturally open up the door for the store clerk to respond with something like, "Oh, do you have a ninja sword?" If he just says something against Halloween the natural response is to wonder why, but most people would probably be reluctant to ask why. As a result, the natural flow of the conversation could be killed, and an awkward silence could ensue. Now, mind you, I've never tried this. It's just an idea, and it seems polite to me.

Of course in private you'll want to explain your convictions to your son and encourage him not to be judgmental of others with other convictions.

Romans 14 is a great passage that deals with being careful not to judge each other on disputable matters. It starts off by saying, "Accept him whose faith is weak, without passing judgment on disputable matters." It then goes on to explain that in these matters each person "should be fully convinced in his own mind" and follow his convictions, being careful to consider how his actions could cause others to stumble or fall.
Colossians 4:4-6 also addresses our need to be careful in responding to others. It says, "Be wise in the way you act toward outsiders; make the most of every opportunity. Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone."

The heart you have in this matter seems to reflect God's desire for you to answer graciously. You might try the Ninja thing. If that doesn't work, keep trying and let me know if you land on an idea that really works well.

- Steve

11: Teaching Stories

1 Corinthians 10:11 These things happened to them as examples and were written down as warnings for us, on whom the fulfillment of the ages has come. NIV

When our son Blaise was three he asked about a man who had just made a set of serious bad decisions in his life, culminating in him fleeing town. He asked, "Is he running from God just like Jonah did?" I was a little shocked and had to think about it for a second and then I said, "Yeah, that is exactly what he is doing!"

That’s pretty profound for a three-year-old! I’d love to have our children know and apply Bible stories to their lives like that. Jonah is not the only story in the Bible that has real life application. 1 Corinthians 10 talks about many of the events that happened to Israel and says they were written down for us as examples for us to learn from. All the stories in the Bible contain incredible gems of truth about who God is and how He relates to man.

With young kids you can have them watch videos that cover Bible stories. They will watch them again and again and again. What an incredibly easy way to pass truth on to your children. You can also tell the stories yourself using dramatic gestures and funny voices. As kids are older you can have the kids tell the stories to you, or even have them act them out. Have older kids read stories to younger kids. Other resources include children’s story Bibles, the Bible on tape, and audio tapes that have Bible stories. On some days you may have a theme: Have them read Jonah, watch a video on Jonah, and then quiz them on the book of Jonah before bed.
The Bible is an exciting book, full of life changing stories. Your kids will love learning it.

10: Finding Advice Worth Hearing (or Managing Anger with Pit Bulls)

You may have caught an interesting article in the news about three weeks ago. During the hurricanes in Florida a group of people were in an office building riding out the storm. While they were essentially trapped inside, a 54-year-old man ordered his pit bulls to attack them with the words, "Go get them." One woman was bitten on the leg and a man suffered deep bites to his face and throat. After the initial attacks, they had to hide in their offices for an hour since the police were busy with hurricane-related activity. No motive was given for the attacks. The craziest part of the story is that this guy is a mental health counselor who treats anger management problems and addictions. His past arrests include aggravated assault with a weapon, domestic violence, and sexual assault. Now doesn’t that sound like the kind of guy you’d like to visit for your anger issues? You’d sure want to be careful not to tick him off from the counseling couch!
Now I want you to understand that I don’t think all anger management counselors act in this way, anymore than I would think that type of behavior is typical of all 54-year-olds, or even all men. We can’t stereotype all counselors as bad, and I certainly don’t want to be included in any stereotypes of pastors (unless they are positive ;-))! However, this story does illustrate this point well: you sure want to be careful who you go to for advice! Can you imagine the counseling sessions, "Well Franklin, when I get angry here’s how I like to let off a little steam…"
Who do you go to for parenting advice? Many people just pick up a book or a magazine, and have no idea what type of parent the author is. The author may or may not be a good parent, or may not even be a parent at all! He or she may not use biblical principles at all, or may form opinions first, and then try to find supporting verses, rather than read the Bible to form opinions. Here are some things you should weigh whenever you get parenting advice:
Do you know him/her personally? (It’s easy to look good at a distance!)
Does he/she have kids you’d like your kids to be like?
Does he/she have a life that you’d like to imitate?
Is he/she winning with his/her own kids?
Even better: Has he/she already won with his/her own kids?
Does he/she go to the Bible for answers, or merely express personal opinions?
Do you know the answers to these questions in relationship to the people you are getting the majority of your input from? If not, then why are you listening to them? (By the way, the same goes for my wife and me. Unless you know us, we are just two more voices among thousands.)
Parenting can be grueling work! Parents can be hungry for answers, and it’s tempting to lend an ear to anyone with an opinion or a word of hope. As long as good advice is being given, that is great, but personally, I’d like to have a little more confidence in the input we receive. I think the ideal situation is to get advice from couples in your church whom you know and respect, and who have kids you admire. If you don’t know those things about a family, then how do you know if their advice is really on target? Not only that, but if you know them, and they know you, then it seems like the chances of getting good advice are greatly increased.
I’m certainly not trying to whittle down my e-mail list! If you’ll keep listening, I’ll keep writing! However, I do want to encourage everyone to have people in your life that you know, and that know you, whose lives are heading where you want to go, and who can help mentor you in parenting, marriage, and in all aspects of the Christian life. Don’t trust every expert! Don’t even trust every Christian author. Instead, look around you. Who is going before you? Who do you know that is living out the Christian life in such a way that it has profoundly impacted their parenting? Seek their help, get their advice and feedback, and imitate their faith.
1 Thessalonians 5:21 Test everything . Hold on to the good. NIV
Proverbs 12:5 The plans of the righteous are just, but the advice of the wicked is deceitful. NIV
Hebrews 13:7 Remember your leaders, who spoke the word of God to you. Consider the outcome of their way of life and imitate their faith. NIV

(Article source: Greeley Tribune, September 20, 2004, pg. A5)

9: The Joy of Parenting

Last night was one of those nights. One of the girls was sick and getting up every ten or fifteen minutes to go to the bathroom. After each trip to the bathroom she’d come back and roll on our floor moaning with a cramping stomach. (Our bedroom floor is the makeshift infirmary as well as refuge from all things that are scary.) We were both drifting in and out of sleep until around midnight when Kathleen got concerned and called the doctor. After being sick all day, we were concerned that our girl might be getting dehydrated. The doctor reassured us that there wasn’t much that could be done so Kathleen tried to treat some of the symptoms. She put a heating pad on her stomach, and gave her some pain killer as well. Do you remember what happened when you were a kid and your mom gave you medicine? Yeah. That happened. She threw it up along with what seemed to be several meals all over the bathroom floor. Unfortunately Kathleen was also in the way and got her feet nailed as well. I scrambled out of bed and started helping the cleanup process. I think we were back in bed around 2:00.
Actually, we’ve had some worse incidents where several kids were getting sick all at once. I remember one of those nights was the night before going in for a scheduled c-section. After an entire night of cleaning up after sick children we finally just gave up trying to sleep and just sat in bed and talked while we waited for morning to come.
Sometimes it’s not illness, but nightmares. There’s nothing like getting awaken by a blood-curdling scream and then trying to comfort a child who isn’t quite back into our space-time continuum yet.
And then there’s the nightly stuff: nursing, children falling out of bed, bathroom runs, dropped stuffed animals, and complaints of "I can’t sleep," "I’m thirsty," and "I’m scared." We’ve even had them wake us up ("us" meaning "Kathleen") just to say, "I love you."
Of course parenting is exhausting much of the time, but I mention nighttime because that can be when all our frustrations come to a culmination. It’s hard enough to survive the demands of the day, but can’t we at least get a reprieve? Is a night’s sleep too much to ask? Nighttime is also when we are really not in the mood to die to ourselves and serve others. We want to sleep, not clean up vomit.
Oftentimes parenting leaves no choice. When a child throws up, you have to clean it up whether you feel like it or not. (As if you’d ever feel like it, right?) It’s not like a job, where you can just leave and find a different place of employment. You can’t get a transfer to an easier position. You just do what needs to be done, when it needs to be done. There is often little choice in that.
However, there is choice in this: you can choose how you respond. You can respond in anger, or with a grumbling heart, or you can respond cheerfully, out of a good heart.
In 1 Peter 5:2 pastors are called to be "eager to serve." It is not enough that we serve, that we do the job and complete the task, but we are to have a heart and passion for it. We should be "eager" to do it. Isn’t that true of all service? Who wants a grumbling employee, child, or even waitress? We’d much rather have service with a smile.
Certainly God wants us to serve Him through serving the children He has given us, but he also wants us to do it with a good heart about it—to embrace our cross so to speak. Although serving God is good, serving with a good heart is vastly superior. He asks us to be cheerful givers (2 Corinthians 9:7) and cheerful mercy givers (Romans 12:8). He tells us not to complain (Philippians 2:14), to offer hospitality without grumbling (1 Peter 4:9) , and to serve wholeheartedly (Ephesians 6:7). Certainly if He wants this kind of cheerful service in the Christian life, He also wants this kind of service in our parenting. That’s not too much of a stretch is it?
Perhaps the key is remembering that it is Christ we are serving. After all, if He were staying at my house I wouldn’t get mad if He woke me up; and if He got sick, I’d be honored to clean up after Him. It would be a privilege. So if the child that He has entrusted to my care needs the same level of sacrifice from me should I respond any differently? Shouldn’t it still be an honor to serve God’s child?
Don’t let parenting be a burdensome drudgery. Find joy in your parenting. Be eager to serve, and choose to respond according to God’s power, and not your own "sleepy" flesh.
Matthew 10:42 [Jesus said,] "And if anyone gives even a cup of cold water to one of these little ones because he is my disciple, I tell you the truth, he will certainly not lose his reward." NIV
Keep trusting God!
Steve <><

8: I Don’t Love You

Question: What would you do you if your child said, "I don’t love you"?

Response: First of all, I wouldn’t be too shocked. Most kids are probably going to try that out on you once or twice. I’m sure our kids have said that before, and I remember saying it to my own mother once as a kid. The parent child relationship can get pretty intense at times, and when a child’s flesh gets pushed he’s not going to like it. Feelings of anger and hatred are common when someone pushes our flesh, so don’t fall prey to thinking that your own little angel won’t ever have those feelings toward you on occasion. With a really angry child or teen, you might even get an occasional "I hate you," possibly accompanied by other not-so-choice words, and you might even witness some violent behavior. (I seem to recall punching the fridge myself as a kid…the fridge won.)

Of course that is not to say that just because such behavior is common that we should allow it. We are the parents, and God has entrusted us with the role of shaping our children’s behavior. Just because sinful and rebellious behavior is common, does not mean that we should put up with it.

I think it’s important to note that some parents can be sensitive and hurt by the mean things that their children say. With some people this can lead to introspective fears making them wonder if they are bad parents or if somehow they’ve really messed up their children. Once they realize that they are hurt and wounded by the comments they can start to question their own judgment of the situation. "Maybe I shouldn’t correct him because I’m just hurt. After all, doesn’t he have the right to be angry with me? I can’t tell him to stop just because I’m hurt," and etc…

While it may be wise to not overreact out of your hurt, it is also wise to not under-react out of fear of overreacting. Got that? ;-)

For a young child who says, "I don’t love you," I’d say something like the following:
"You may not say that. That is a mean and hurtful thing to say. You may not say that to me, and you may not say that to anyone else. If you are angry at me we can talk about it, but you may not use hurtful speech." The idea is that your child can discuss his emotions to you, but he needs to do it respectfully and with self-control.

With a younger child, the first time or two it happened I’d be pretty gentle about it and explain the seriousness of it. I’d view it as a teaching opportunity to let them know what is appropriate and loving and what is not. Once a clear standard has been established of what is permissible and what is not, it would become an issue of discipline when the standard is broken.

With an older kid, stronger fits of anger, or repeated offenses in this area, I’d get really strong with them really fast. Although you could view it as a minor offense, another way to look at it is that it is breaking the Second Greatest Commandment, the Golden Rule, and one of the Ten Commandments (see below). That ups the ante doesn’t it? With an older child I’d view it as a form of rebellion that needs to be immediately and strongly confronted.

One important thing to remember is that there are a ton of teaching opportunities here that you could work through: speech, love, anger, thought life, rebellion, etc… View this as an opportunity to really help them in their life struggles and pick one or two areas to talk through with them. Don’t loose heart. You are not going to raise godly men and women without having some pretty tough battles along the way. Those battles are where much of the life-shaping occurs. So don’t fear them, avoid them, or be surprised by them. Just face them as they come, seek God’s wisdom, and help your child grow through each one.

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Second Greatest Commandment: Mark 12:31 [Jesus said,] The second [greatest commandment] is this : 'Love your neighbor as yourself.' There is no commandment greater than these." NIV

The Golden Rule: Matthew 7:12 [Jesus said,] So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets. NIV

The Fifth Commandment: Exodus 20:12 "Honor your father and your mother, so that you may live long in the land the Lord your God is giving you. NIV
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Keep trusting God!
Steve <><

7: Jumping on the Bed / Continued Disobedience

Question: Our 22 month old is still in a crib. She has been taught not to climb out, but jumping in her crib or on her sisters bed is a problem. Last week I spanked her three times in a row for jumping on her sisters bed. Each time she jumped was a deliberate disobedient act in my presence to the directive just given which as "no jump." She actually disobeyed four times in a row but I was not going to spank her again, instead I put in her in her crib for a bit. This is a very smart toddler and I know she understands what I tell her. She is very verbal and is able to communicate in three to six word sentences. Should I have spanked her a fourth time or spanked harder?
Response: It is difficult to address spanking because we don't know exactly what that looks like in different people's homes. That said, most of the questions people with little ones have seem to deal with discipline, and I think it is important to address some practical matters of discipline.
First of all, let me say this. You and your husband are in the best position to evaluate the situation. In Hebrews 12:10 it says that "our fathers disciplined us for a little while as they thought best." In the same way, you will need to discipline your child as you think best. Study the Word, get godly counsel, discuss the situation with your spouse, and try to follow God's direction to the best of your ability. That is faith lived out in real life! God will bless that. I'm saying that just to stress that you shouldn't do something just because Kathleen and I do it, or because some author says it, but make sure that what you do is based on your own conviction.
I'd be hesitant to even address this question without going into several pages of background if you were not already grounded in some of the basics of discipline. (If someone is reading this and is not familiar with spanking, I'd encourage you to study out this issue more before implementing it. Maybe this e-mail can just serve to get you to start chewing on this topic a little.) Let me review of few of the important basics:
1) Spanking is biblical. (Proverbs 13:24; 22:15; 23:13,14; 29:15)
2) Discipline is loving. (Proverbs 3:11,12; 13:24; Hebrews 12:5-11; Revelation 3:19)
3) Make sure your instruction is clear and simple. "No jump" is nice and clear. A child who communicates in 3 to six word sentences either understands "no jump," or can figure it out pretty quickly. If she can respond to simple commands like "shut the door" or "pick up the toy," then I'd guess she can grasp "no jump."
4) Spanking is most appropriate for clear rebellion. When you give clear instruction and she clearly defies it, spanking is certainly appropriate.
5) Spank on the bottom. The bottom is very fleshy and almost seems designed for such purposes. Spanking other parts of the body could cause injury to your child.
6) Use a wooden dowel rod or something similar. Using your hand is harder to control, and requires more force (and is therefore more likely to injure). Using a rod most closely follows the biblical pattern. In addition, if you're in the habit of using a rod you are less likely to give your child a spur of the moment fly-off-the-handle type of swat. Using a rod also helps the child associate the rod with discipline, instead of associating your hand with discipline.
7) Stay controlled. If you feel like you're losing control let your spouse take over, or cool off for a few minutes. (I don't know about you, but nothing gets my goat like blatant disobedience right after I've given one of my kids instruction. Just like my child needs to control his or her fleshly rebellion, I need to control my fleshly anger.)
Okay, with all those things in mind, I'd recommend that you and your spouse pray about continuing to lovingly discipline until you win. If a child learns that she can win after a certain number of corrections, then she may learn to push it to the limit every time she wants to challenge your authority. If she knows that she just flat out will not win, then she should eventually realize that she might as well obey after the first time rather than entering into a battle she knows she's going to lose.
Jumping on the bed is really not the issue. It will not be a life long problem. However, rebellion is an ongoing struggle for all of us, and it is the issue you are addressing. That is why it is important to get her to yield-not just to quit jumping on the bed.
Should you spank harder? You should only spank harder if you are not spanking hard enough. :) Aren't you glad you asked? Seriously, I'm reluctant to give input on that without actually being there to assess it first hand or at least going into more depth (which I will eventually). Again, you and your spouse can pray about that as well and trust God's leading.
There is a great example loving discipline in the book Growing up Whitney (pages 34-37). It is very intentional, purposeful, persistent, and loving. On Rick Whitney's website there is also access to a booklet called "Under Loving Command". Go to www.gcnwdads.com/pages/resources.html and click on article #90. This booklet provides a nice overview of discipline.
Keep trusting God!
Steve <><

6: Laying Down Your Life

1 John 3:16 This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers. NIV
During last night's preseason game between the Denver Broncos and the Arizona Cardinals Shannon Sharpe was interviewed briefly. Shannon was formerly a tight end for the Broncos and holds many of the records for both the Broncos and the NFL for his position. Shannon said, "I may not have been the best friend, or the best son, or the best father, but I was the best football player." (That may not be an exact quote, but I think that is pretty close.)
I'm sure you have to sacrifice a lot to be the best at football or at any sport. Some people sacrifice to be the best CEO or employee. Some things can be sacrificed: sleep, leisure time, partying, eating whatever we feel like. Being disciplined with our lives is a good thing. However, some things must not be sacrificed like God, marriage, and children.
I like Shannon. He's a great athlete and a lively character. He's fun to watch on the field, and fun to listen to off of the field. However, sacrificing your children to be the best at football is not something to boast about; it is something to weep over.
Shannon Sharpe's accomplishments will not be remembered or cared about by many in 20 years. In contrast, in twenty years Shannon Sharpe's children will still care deeply about what kind of father they had. In 100 years no one will care about his athletic accomplishments. In 100 years his parenting will have impacted his children's children through several generations. Shannon has laid his life down for football, and sacrificed his children for his own glory.
In this morning's paper there was a story about the standoff in Beslan, Russia. Chechnyan commandos stormed a school there and were holding hundreds of children and adults captive. Twenty-six women and children were released yesterday. One woman was released, but went back in to be with her children who were still captive. Most of the standoff is over now, after ending in a bloody shootout. I don't know what happened to that mother, but I know she willingly risked her own life for her children. She sacrificed her own life to comfort and protect her children.
We also will give our lives to something. Each day our lives are spent and that day is over and gone, never to be spent again. Will we lay our lives down for our God? Our families? Our lost neighbors? For things that are on God's heart? We can't do much about the days that are gone, but what will our remaining days be spent on?
When it comes to parenting, we love our kids, but we need to see that love will translate into sacrifice, not of them, but for them. We sacrifice for them financially, physically, emotionally, and aromically (think diapers) . We sacrifice by choosing not what is best for ourselves, but for them when it comes to careers and pastimes. Anyone who has ever played Candyland as an adult has sacrificed immensely for his child. And sleep? Boy do we sacrifice. This is healthy and normal. It is not painful; it is love.
Lay down your life for others, and especially for your own family. That is the kind of love Christ demonstrated to us, and calls us to as well.

5: Religion Crammed Down Throat

Deuteronomy 6:6-9 These commandments that I give you today are to be upon your hearts. 7Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. 8Tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. 9Write them on the doorframes of your houses and on your gates.
Do you ever fear that your children will rebel against God because you made them go to youth group, church, or AWANA? We probably all know people who say that they had religion crammed down their throats when they were younger. Please take a moment and reread the above verse. What does it say? How much religion should we expose our children to? A little, or a lot? To me it sounds like it is even more than a lot. We are supposed to totally engulf them in God's Word. Our home should be an environment where God is talked about when we get up, when we eat meals, when we go for walks, and when we lie down. In other words, the things of God should be a constant topic of conversation.
Stop and think about it for a second. How many of the people you've heard say that religion was crammed down their throats actually had religion crammed down their throats? Some of the people I know are just bitter that they had to attend lifeless and rote services. Others may have been turned off by extensive hypocrisy they saw in the church they attended. Hopefully that is not what we are exposing our children to. If we are, we need to stop! That was the type of meaningless religion Jesus opposed.
Others who say religion was crammed down their throats may just be blaming God for their own rebellion against him. It's like when someone gets caught speeding and they blame the "stupid law" or the "cops who don't have anything better to do." The real problem is not with the law or the police, the problem is with the lawbreaker. In the same way, when someone is rebelling against God it may be easier to blame their upbringing rather than admitting they have an issue with God.
Are there really people out there who were exposed to good teaching in a healthy church, a loving family, and surrounded by godly Christians who are still resentful of their upbringing? My guess would be that would be a pretty small group, if any at all. Even though they might be resentful of their upbringing, my guess is that they would still be profoundly impacted by it for the better.
Is it better to over-educate or under-educate a student? Is it better to over-train or under-train a soldier? Is it better to over-expose or under-expose our kids to God? In each of these cases, more is better! Greater exposure to the things of God should only result in a greater love toward God, and should better equip your kids for life. Don't fear turning them off of God; worry about turning them on to God. Don't worry about giving them too much; worry about if you are giving them enough.

4: Protecting Kids from Abuse

Question: Do you ever worry that your kids will be sexually abused by sitters, neighbors, family, or friends?
Response:
Yes, we worry.
We worry for a good reason. It seems like there are weekly articles in our paper of sexual molestation by coaches, relatives, friends, neighbors, and even clergy. One in three girls and one in seven boys will be molested during childhood (1). While that statistic seem outrageous, from my limited counseling experience it really doesn't seem to be too exaggerated. It's an ugly world isn't it? As you can imagine, the results can be devastating.
I'm sure this is an incomplete list. I am no expert in this, but here are some of the things we've tried to put into place in our family.
1. Be with your kids.
Ephesians 5:12 For it is shameful even to mention what the disobedient do in secret.
If you could take away the "secret" part of it, you could prevent a lot of the ugly things people do. One way to do that is to stay with your kids and watch over them as much as possible. Keep your kids in your home, and not at the neighbors'. Obviously, there are times when you need to be gone, but it's far too easy to fall into the trap of running around all over while a sitter watches the kids. In fact, in our society it is commonly preached that parents "need a break" and "need to get away." Certainly we need some peace, and we need some rest at times, but not at the expense of the children that God has entrusted into OUR care. When you must be away, take precautions; but try to be away as little as possible.
Train your kids to be with you so that you don't always need a sitter. Train them to be able to play quietly while you meet with someone in your home, or sit on a blanket and play while you're at a meeting at church or school. Older kids can read a book or help with younger siblings. Work toward that goal.
2. Warn your kids of dangers
Give age appropriate warnings. For younger kids they can be real simple.
* Some people try to hurt children.
* Some people try to steal children.
* Some people try to touch children where they shouldn't.
* Some people try to trick children (give examples to them of what a stranger might say).
* If someone tries to take you they are going to hurt you. Do everything that you can to get away no matter what they say.
3. Set boundaries
We need to take heed of the statistics we read and do something about it. Proverbs 27:12 says, "The prudent see danger and take refuge, but the simple keep going and suffer for it." We see potential danger in this area and need to take action. Kids need boundaries. They need them with strangers, but they also need them with those that they are close to. About 80% of abusers are not strangers, but are known to the children.(2) Here are some boundaries to consider:
* No one else should touch your private areas.
* No one else should see your private areas.
* No one else should be alone with you or any of your brothers and sisters behind a closed door.
* Adults (particularly men) may not have close, exclusive, personal relationships with our kids.
* Adults may not take our kids on one-on-one activities like hiking, swimming, etc...
* We greatly restrict allowing our kids to go on sleepovers.
4. Screen your sitters
Our church just did about 40 background checks on our children's ministry workers. You'd expect that of an organization that cares for your kids wouldn't you? Yet many parents will allow someone into their home to watch their children whom they know little to nothing about. Pick sitters that have good character, upbringing, and dispositions. The teenaged neighbor girl may be available and easy to use in a pinch, but do you really know her?
I'm sure this is discriminatory, but I'm recommend using only female sitters. We usually don't allow male relatives, friends, and neighbors to watch our kids. Most sexual predators are men.
Be careful of using a sitter just because someone else uses him/her. Other parents may not be as discriminating.
5. Tell your kids what to do if approached sexually or if someone tries to take them
* Scream like crazy!
* Kick, yell, fight, bite, claw eyes out, etc...
* Tell us about it.
6. Try to identify abuse.
Abuse is certainly a terrible thing. We want to do everything we can to prevent it. However, it does not have to be the end of the world. It is very serious, but if it happens we can get through it with God's help. The catch is that we're really like to know about it if it happens so that we can help our kids work through it. We ask our kids lots of questions to try and find out what happened in our absence.
* Did anyone touch you inappropriately while we were gone? Has anyone ever touched you inappropriately?
* Did anything happen that someone told you not to tell mommy or daddy?
* Did anything happen today that made you feel uncomfortable?
* Did anyone see your private parts?
* Is there anyone you don't feel comfortable around and don't want us to use as a babysitter?
* Did anyone take you or any of our other children behind a closed door?
Lastly, I'd just remind you to be in faith. There are many dangers in the world and we cannot protect our kids from all of them. You should certainly take reasonable precautions, but you don't need to keep your kids locked up. Trust God to give you discernment, to watch over your kids, and to help you get through anything that this evil world brings.
Psalms 32:8 I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you and watch over you. NIV
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(1) Earnest Zarra III, It Should Never Happen Here, (c) 1995, p. 14
(2) Earnest Zarra III, It Should Never Happen Here, (c) 1995, p. 17
I'm sure that you can find may good websites for more ideas. Here is one that I found:
Child Abuse Resources: http://www.cyfernet.org/hottopic/childabuse.html

3: The Birds and the Bees

The Birds and the Bees
Kathleen and I had our first birds-and-the-bees talk a little while back with Blaise. We came up with a quick collection of Scripture to cover with him and we wanted to pass that on to anyone who could use it. I'll expand on my thoughts here so that hopefully you can make sense of it.
Blaise had been asking some questions about sex for a number of years, and we usually just told him that we'd explain things to him when he was a little older. Even in a pretty protected environment it is bound to come up sooner or later. He learned the word "sex" from a Sunday school friend and heard a very rough slang term for it in Sunday school from another boy. In his Bible reading he had bumped up against the word rape on several occasions. He had heard conversations about someone that had committed adultery, and in science class he was learning about animals mating. On Christian radio they were talking about homosexual marriage, and in our home we had addressed the dangers of sexual predators, without mentioning the sexual part of it. Anyway, all that just to say that we felt he might be starting to piece some things together, and we wanted to make sure he had a godly view of it presented to him as his first view.
He was a little over 10 1/2 at the time. That's not a magical age, it just seemed like it was right for him at that age. I would have probably waited longer if not for the exposure he was getting.
We talked to him as a couple and I led the time. We hoped that would help make it a subject that was not taboo, or secretive, and that he would feel comfortable talking to either of us about it as needed.
The main thing we wanted him to understand was that sex was normal, healthy, God-given, and beautiful. (The word 'awesome' got vetoed although I thought it was a good idea.) I started by telling him about Adam and Eve and explained that God created them differently. I read the passages below and explained what it meant when Adam "laid with his wife". I used real simple terms. He already knew about boy and girl parts, and I basically explained that they were made that way to fit together in marriage...and I tried really hard to keep a straight face. Again, it was very simple. No detailed explanations. No diagrams. Just the simple facts. At this age we didn't want to stir up anything that wasn't already stirring. We basically just wanted to address some of the same things the Bible does.
Genesis 2:20-25 But for Adam no suitable helper was found. So the LORD God caused the man to fall into a deep sleep; and while he was sleeping, he took one of the man's ribs and closed up the place with flesh. Then the LORD God made a woman from the rib he had taken out of the man, and he brought her to the man.
The man said, "This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called 'woman,' for she was taken out of man." For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.
The man and his wife were both naked, and they felt no shame. NIV
Genesis 4:1-2 Adam lay with his wife Eve, and she became pregnant and gave birth to Cain. She said, "With the help of the LORD I have brought forth a man." 2Later she gave birth to his brother Abel. NIV
Of course by this time he was mildly stunned. The whole idea is pretty weird, even to me if I think about it long enough. So I tried to address that as well:
If it seems weird...
* It's natural (Romans 1:26,27)
* It is very hard to understand and explain. Proverbs 30:18-19 "There are three things that are too amazing for me, four that I do not understand: 19the way of an eagle in the sky, the way of a snake on a rock, the way of a ship on the high seas, and the way of a man with a maiden. NIV
* It's beautiful (Song of Solomon)
Then we addressed the purpose of it:
Why?
* To multiply and have children
o Genesis 9:7 As for you, be fruitful and increase in number; multiply on the earth and increase upon it." NIV
* Closeness of relationship (they will become one flesh)
Then we addressed some upcoming changes:
How the body works...
* Body is being prepared for adulthood
* Hair, breasts, growing pains
Then we addressed some of the words we knew he had already bumped into:
Other words to explain:
* Making love, having sex, sleep with, mating
* Lust, adultery, birds and the bees, virgin
Then, without going into sordid detail, we briefly explained misuses of sex:
Perversion
* Satan takes what is good and makes it bad. (That's what perversion is.)
* Adultery, premarital sex, incest, rape, homosexuality, bestiality, child molesters
* 1 Corinthians 6:18 Flee from sexual immorality. NIV
After that we answered questions and tried to clarify everything. We've followed up a couple of times since then and have asked if he has more questions.
I'd guess that within the next couple of years I'll address some of the upcoming temptations a little more in depth, specifically: premarital sex, ma@*#n, and pornography. If we're going to equip our kids for real life temptations, these are certainly some of the biggies to cover.

2: Staying in Bed

Parenting 2 - Staying in Bed
Hey everyone,
We've been back in Iowa for a week enjoying the beautiful green farm country. We got to see the Iowa State Fair (my first time), and also went to Kathleen's 20-year class reunion. It's unbelievable how old everyone else our age looks. What's up with that? Anyway, now that we've weeded out most of the cat lovers, let's get down to business. (Just kidding of course. I actually had a cat once. I really enjoyed it. Reminds me of chicken.)
Question:
My 2-year old has recently not been staying in her bed. After repetitive spankings, I put a lock on the inside of her door. She now usually falls asleep on the floor. Am I doing the right thing? Should I wait until she acts tired before I lay her down, or should I just put her down when I think it is "time"?
Response:
I think securing the door in some way is wise. We put up a baby gate so that our 2-year-old doesn't wander through the house while we are sleeping. She doesn't tend to do that, but it is a nice precautionary measure. Malia can probably climb over the gate, but Kathleen would definitely hear her and spring into action. (Of course you'll want to make it so that firemen can get in, and older kids can get out in an emergency.) So, securing the door accomplishes the safety issue, but does not address the issue of disobedience (which I'll address in a second).
There are lots of different ideas on scheduling. Some like to stay with a consistent time and others don't. I certainly would cut back on naps if she is not tired at night. You might consider giving her a set bed time but not necessarily a set lights out time. She can go to bed and look at books say at 8:30 (or whatever works for your family). Then you can be more flexible on the lights out time depending on how tired you think she is.
If you want her to stay in bed during that time, which is a very reasonable standard, here are some things to consider:
1) Give clear instruction. 'Stay in bed' is certainly clear. 'Keep your head on the pillow' is another one that helps ban jumping on the bed and things of that sort.
2) Sleeping on the floor is certainly not a big deal, but disobedience is. Genesis 8:21 says "...every inclination of [man's] heart is evil from childhood..." She needs to obey; and I think she will obey if you continue to hold her to the standard. My impression from your letter is that spanking did not seem to be effective in this case. I think the catch with spanking a two-year-old for getting out of bed is that it can be hard for her to associate the disobedient behavior with the punishment. Ecclesiastes 8:11 says, "When the sentence for a crime is not quickly carried out, the hearts of the people are filled with schemes to do wrong." This might seem strong with a two-year-old, but the principle is still the same: the more closely the offense and the punishment are associated, the better. Because of the nature of the offense, and her level of understanding, it may be easy for her to end up getting disciplined five or ten minutes after she committed the act. If she understands, that is fine, but it is also possible that she might think she is getting disciplined for playing with her doll or whatever she was doing when she got caught. To help remedy this, you might want to put her down and then wait right outside her door. When she starts to get out of bed catch her in the act and discipline her for that every time. You may want to stay outside the door like that for 30 minutes each night and just pass the time reading a book or something. Kathleen and I have done that with some of our kids and that has always made a difference in three or four nights. After that we don't stand guard any more unless the problem resurfaces.
I hope that helps!

1: Bad Influences

Hey everyone,
As some of you know, Kathleen has been doing a series of Motherhood classes. As a result of the class many people have been asking questions and desiring more input. To try to help provide some ongoing support we are going to try to write some parenting e-mails. Since she's busy with being a mommy, most of those will be written by me, although she may write an occasional note to the moms. Some of the e-mails may be responses to questions that we've received, and some will be thoughts from the Word, or from our own experiences. We certainly don't have all the answers, and it is hard to give a good answer even when you really know all the details of a situation, let alone from an e-mail question, but we'll do our best to help offer some encouragement.
Like most parents, we are busy, busy, busy. However we will try to send out an e-mail once a week or so. We probably won't get to answer all the questions we receive, but we'll try to hit the more common themes.
If you do not want to be on our list, you don't need to do a thing. We will start our mailing list from scratch with our next e-mail. We don't want to intrude. If you would like to be on our list, just e-mail me back and I'll add you to the list. If you'd like someone else to be added, please forward this to them, and they can request to be added if they like.
(For those pastors on my list, I didn't add any of your people, just you. If you have people you think might be interested, feel free to forward this on. I just wanted to let you know this is available.)
Here's our first parenting e-mail (and last if you don't e-mail me back ;-)):
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Question: What do you do if your kids are associating with "bad" kids? Maybe not bad like light a cat on fire, but just a little ornery, rambunctious, or a bad influence. Can they be a good influence on the bad one?
Response: First of all, let me ask you, what's wrong with lighting cats on fire? Just kidding. I'm more of a dog person myself. Anyway, I digress (and I'm just starting). ;-) ;-)
In different small groups we've been in at times we've started with an ice breaker of, "Who was the worst influence on you as a kid?" The most common answer has always been 'neighbors'. I suppose if we were to think of the worst things we've ever done in our lives, most of them were done with someone else-a neighbor or a close friend. Having a friend there gave us a chance to prove how cool we were, or to receive approval for our acts of deviousness. In looking back at our own childhoods, I think we can see that it would be wise to not underestimate the influence of friends.
The Bible says it straight out, "Do not be misled: 'Bad company corrupts good character.'" (1 Corinthians 15:33 NIV) If your child hangs out too much with BAD INFLUENCES there is a good chance that he/she will be INFLUENCED for the BAD. Your child can be corrupted by friends, just like the metal on your car can be corrupted when exposed to water.
Your child certainly can influence others for the good, and should do so as his/her character is developed. We haven't hit the teen years yet, but I wouldn't expect younger kids to withstand a whole lot of peer pressure, because their character is not well formed. It is still being actively developed. While it's possible for the good kid to lead the bad kid, what's possible may not be as important for the moment as taking a look at what IS happening. Is your child influencing the bad influence, or is your child being negatively influenced? With some kids our kids will lead out, with others they tend to resort to becoming followers. We tell them, "If you can't lead, then follow someone who is making good choices."
If our child was being negatively influenced we would:
1) Limit the amount of time he/she is exposed to the bad influence.
2) Closely monitor the children's activities and speech when they are together.
3) Withdraw my child from the situation if it became severe enough.
For example, if our child was around a negative influence at a weekly play-date, I might shorten the play-date from 3 hours to 1 hour. I'd also try to supervise the situation more closely. If I still felt that my child was being negatively impacted, I might quit going to the play-date altogether.
What if the child is not bad, but just ornery or rambunctious? Since you're in the situation you'll need to make that assessment for your child. However, if it bothers you enough that you're asking the question, my guess is that you think it is bad enough that you want to do something about it. You obviously don't want the behavior that you've seen imitated by your child. So in light of that, I'd probably put some sort of boundaries on the relationship.
That said, I want my kids to be in the world, and influencing the world. But I don't want them in over their heads. They need to be mature enough to handle it.