39: Summer Schedule

We’d like to think that summertime is a great opportunity to spend some extra time with your kids or to get some special projects done. However, we’ve found that unless we continue to maintain some structure, we really don’t gain much time, or ground with our kids. For the past few weeks Kathleen has been using a check-off list of tasks for each of the four older kids. Each day they get their own list, and they start checking off tasks as the day progresses. Each kid is responsible for completing his or her own list, and each has his or her own timer to help them manage their days.

The kids still have a lot of fun, they rarely complain from being bored, and they are very peaceful living within some defined structure. They are also continuing to grow spiritually, educationally, relationally, and in learning to live a disciplined life.

Several people have requested a copy of this list, so we thought we’d send it out to all of you. Hopefully some of it can be useful to you.


Blaise (11 ½)
20 minute quiet time
15 minutes Memory Madness (verse review)
15 minutes piano
Water the dead spot in the lawn (a.m.)
Clean the rabbit’s cage
Morning chore 1: pick up room
Morning chore 2: put away clean clothes
1 hour of schoolwork (before noon)
1 hour of schoolwork (before supper)
1 floor chore (vacuuming or mopping 1 room)
1 “Special Task” (Cleaning out the games, sorting clothes, sweep the patio, etc…)
Water the dead spot in the lawn (p.m.)
Review spelling list (20 minutes, one new list each week)
Spend 15 minutes reading to Keziah (or computer work with her)

Schoolwork is made up of left over school materials, reading, extra books from Sam’s, or rereading old school texts. Our goal for “summer school” slightly differs from the school year. We try to make in enjoyable, something different than what they are used to, and not extremely difficult. We just want to continue the structure and discipline, but not make it burdensome.


Hope (9 ½)
20 minute quiet time
15 minutes Memory Madness (verse review)
15 minutes piano
Morning chore: pick up room
Morning Chore: put away clean clothes
1 hour of schoolwork (a.m.)
1 hour of schoolwork (p.m.)
Feed and water the rabbit
1 floor chore (vacuuming or mopping 1 room)
1 “Special Task” (Cleaning out the games, sorting clothes, sweep the patio, etc…)
Spend 10 minutes reading to Malia (or computer work with her)
Spend 15 minutes helping Keziah with school or computer

Silas (7 ½)
10 minute quiet time (from the One Minute Bible)
10 minutes Memory Madness (verse review)
15 minutes piano
Morning chore: pick up room
Morning Chore: put away clean clothes
1 hour of schoolwork (a.m.)
1 hour of schoolwork (p.m.)
1 floor chore (vacuuming or mopping 1 room)
1 “Special Task”
Water the dead spot in the lawn (p.m.)
Load and unload the dishwasher after breakfast
10 minutes - Pickup the videos and DVDs
Read one story out of a reader

Keziah (5 ½)
Put away cereals after breakfast.
Lunch: Clear table and push out chairs
Supper: Clear table and push out chairs
5 Minutes piano
Shoe racks – straighten front and back racks
15 minutes of school with Hope
15 minutes of time with Blaise
Memory madness – review one set of verses 2 times
30 minutes watching a Christian video

38: The Return of the Troubled Teen

You may wonder why parents of kids under 12 are sending out stuff on teens, and troubled teens at that. The reason is that we have seen the parents of many teens struggle with their kids. While we realize that some issues are unique to the teen years, we also hope we can prepare ourselves and equip our kids to face those challenges. When I wrote and asked permission from Steppin’ Stones to use their contract (see article #37), they also sent me the following. I thought it was good input from people who deal with a lot of difficult situations. The principles addressed here related to teens are not just good for teens. They should be put in place in the earlier years. Be loving and strong. The two go hand-in-hand.

WHEN YOUR DAUGHTER COMES HOME: WHAT NOT TO DO
• Don’t rescue by blaming others for your daughter’s behavior.
• Don’t make decisions based on the short look: keeping the peace, for convenience, or because of guilt.
• Don’t require a rule if you will not enforce it.
• Don’t lecture or shame based on past or present failures.
• Don’t expect your child’s emotional support (appreciation, respect, or understanding). Enjoy it when it comes, but don’t NEED it.
• Don’t immediately give her a car, phone, beepers, etc. as a reward for completing this program. The reward is COMING HOME. Pre-set a minimum time (three months, six months) that requires completion of measurable outcomes after coming home before considering any of the above. Always require some financial responsibility on her part. Remember children learn to feel entitled or they learn to be responsible.
• Don’t reward whining—this should bring an automatic NO!
• Don’t change your daughter’s boundaries in order to grant a favor. Don’t ask for other authority figures to grant you a favor by changing your daughter’s boundaries. You are doing your daughter a favor by teaching her that the world does not revolve around her “special needs”.
• Don’t say, “Just do your best.” Have a minimum standard.
• Don’t act like a victim or treat your daughter like a victim.
• Don’t compare her to others.




WHEN YOUR DAUGHTER COMES HOME: WHAT TO DO
• Provide structure. (She has been in a structured environment; it works.)
• Provide consistency, yes is yes, no is no. Follow-through, keep your word, and make the effort to enforce.
• Communicate. Ask questions caringly, not accusingly.
• Go to church.
• Use empathy and reality when correcting, then consequences. Empathize with her feelings without changing the boundary.
• Require certain standards of behavior—not because you need it, but because your daughter needs it.
• Get your emotional needs met from other people in your life instead of from your daughter.
• Spend time together, one on one, also as a family. Pay attention when your daughter is doing well. Don’t wait for a crisis.
• Set goals, control resources, and manage consequences.
• Evaluate your own life and model boundaries.
• Practice honesty.
• When you are wrong, admit it, correct it, and move on. This will show your daughter what you want her to do when she messes up.
• Make decisions free from manipulation. Don’t make decisions based on your emotions.
• Expect your daughter to test the limits. Be strong and encourage your daughter to apply the skills that she has been taught. Don’t allow yourself to give in to feelings of discouragement.
• Be patient and allow repeated trials.
• Show confidence and look your child in the eye.
• Expect her to be responsible, she has been taught a lot.

37: Boundaries for a Troubled Teen

Occasionally a teen will become so rebellious that the parents will send the teen away to a troubled teen home which is somewhat of a boot camp for teens. The teens there are introduced to a very structured and disciplined environment and are typically separated from their parents for at least a year. I think it would be better if parents could bring some of the same support and structure into their homes, but sometimes things just get really desperate.

When the teen seems to have made sufficient progress, then he or she is sent home, but only after both the teen and the parents agree to abiding by and enforcing a certain code of conduct. An example of such a contract is given below. (This has been slightly modified from an actual contract someone gave me a copy of, but I tried not to alter the overall flavor of it. Thanks to Stepin’ Stone Farm for permission to use and modify this.)

I thought it might interest you to see what kinds of things could be expected of a teen that has struggled to such a severe degree. I’m sure each contract is modified to deal with each teen’s particular abilities and struggles but these standards all seem pretty basic to me. They are not extreme; they represent the bare bones basic standards of conduct. When I first read this, the questions I wondered were, “Why would a parent ever let loose of any of these standards in the first place?” “Why should you have to go to such extreme measures just to regain a level of basic acceptable conduct?” Parents, don’t let go of your kids too early!

It seems that many parents loosen up on standards far too early, and even some of the most basic standards. As we observe the continuing negative impact of parents letting their standards down, we should take note not to make the same mistake.

Proverbs 22:3 A prudent man sees danger and takes refuge, but the simple keep going and suffer for it. NIV


A Sample Contract

Church
Weekly church attendance is required.
Weekly youth group attendance AND participation is required.

School
No unapproved absences will be allowed.
A 3.0 GPA must be maintained each semester. No Ds or below are allowed.
Teen needs to be involved in one extracurricular activity.
Any negative feedback from teachers will result in the loss of privileges.

Job
Teen must get a job in retail, child care, food service, babysitting, or in another approved field.
Working in the mall or at a place that serves alcohol will not be allowed.
Work shifts must end by 9:00 on school nights.
No more than 20 hours per week will be allowed during school year.
Half of earnings should go into long term saving and can only be spent with parental approval.

Car
The privilege of borrowing the car must be earned.
The car can only be driven to work, school, and youth group.

Money
All money earned will be put in a joint account with one of the parents.
Teen must purchase all of own clothing, shoes, jewelry, entertainment, gas, perms, and hair coloring.
Parents will provide for basic necessary items like: school supplies, toothpaste, shampoo, razors, and haircuts.
Allowance will be set at $20 a week if chores are completed

Clothing
Clothing must be modest by parents’ standards.
Dressing mostly in black is not acceptable.
No advertising for alcohol, or dark bands will be allowed.

Body
No new tattoos will be allowed.
Only natural hair colors will be allowed.
No body piercing will be allowed except pierced ears (one each side only).

Music
Christian or instrumental music is preferred.
No depressing, negative or obscene music will be permitted.

Movies and TV
Each movie or TV show must be pre-approved.
No R rated movies will be allowed at all.

Books and magazines
Each book and magazine must be approved by a parent.

Friends
Friends must not be dropouts and may not attend a school for troubled kids.
Friends can not be more than two years older.
No contact at all with past friends who have been a bad influence. (Names should be listed out.)
Overnighters are allowed, but only if parents know the friend, have talked to the other parents, plans have been approved, and accountability for whereabouts is established.

Dating
No dating is allowed for three months after leaving troubled teen home.
Each date must meet parents and must be approved.
The curfew must be honored.

Phone
No cell phone will be allowed until that privilege is earned.
Calls may not exceed ten minutes.
The cell phone should be kept in the parents bedroom at nighttime.

Internet
No chat rooms are allowed.
The web can be used for homework as needed.
Instant messaging and e-mailing is allowed for a maximum of 20 minutes per day.
An internet filter and accountability software most be installed and used.

Chores
Bedroom and bathroom should be picked up daily.
Clean bedroom (vacuum and dust) and bathroom (toilets, shower, etc) weekly.
Must do own laundry.
Assist in weekly cleaning chores including cleaning the family room and dining room.
Mow weekly and shovel as needed.

Curfew
Only church, work, and school activities will be allowed on school nights.
The curfew is 9:30 unless special permission is granted before leaving the house.
The weekend curfew may be adjusted by the parents based on the activity.

Bedtime
In bed by 10:00 on school nights and by 11:00 on the weekends. Teen may read with a small book light at that time.

Parents
There will be loss of privileges for yelling, talking back, or being disrespectful.
Either parent or teen may request a 30 minute cool of time before working through a conflict.

Meals
Teen must eat breakfast and dinner with the family when home during those meals.

Drugs
No drugs or alcohol are allowed. Drug testing will be performed on occasion.
Drug test kits are available at the local drugstore.

Possible consequences:
Grounded from:
Going out
Cell phone
All phone usage
Television
Computer
Radio
Contact with certain friends
Loss of allowance
Extra chores

Rewards
Allowance
Use of car
Parents may purchase gas or new clothes